Author: Deneen Kipp

(<3-minute read time)

Often, I hear my clients tell me that want to do things like…..

Make more money 

Be happier 

Travel more 

Work less 

Increase their self-confidence 

And then they follow up that desire with the poisonous thought:

“But, I don’t know how”

When we tell ourselves “I don’t know” it is always a lie.  You can read more about that here because that isn’t what we are talking about today.  Today, we are going to look at the fact that too often we unnecessarily place great value in knowing HOW we will do something before we ever do it.      

Here are two scenarios to demonstrate:  

Scenario #1:  I recently registered for the longest race I will have ever run so far, a 15k.  When I think about running this race I do not wonder about HOW I will do it.  

Scenario #2: I have some pretty intense business goals that I am pursuing this year.  When I think about these #2019moonshotgoals I often start thinking (and worrying) about HOW I will do it. 

Both of these scenarios involve me accomplishing a goal I have never done before.  Yet, in one situation I find myself wrapped up in the details of the “how” and the other just seems like a done deal. 

Why is that?

It’s because of my beliefs around me actually accomplishing the goal.  

When I think about Scenario #1, the 15k, I get an image in my mind of me at the finish line at the race.  I see myself all sweaty, feeling tired and proud. There are lots of other people around and they’re all sweaty, tired and proud of themselves too.  I envision an awesome day!      

When I think about Scenario #2, my business goals, all I see is them in their current, unfinished state.  Then I start to think about how I can change that and questioning if I even can change it in the time I have left.  This demotivating vision is a symptom of my doubt.  

Whenever we’re not fully believing that we can and will achieve a goal, we get all caught up in the mechanics of HOW to make it happen. 

Our brain wants to see the plan and then, if it decides the plan is do-able, it becomes willing to believe the goal is possible.

On the flipside when we believe for sure that something is going to happen we just don’t worry about how we will do it.  

Test me on this.  Think of something in your life that hasn’t happened yet but you just know for sure it is going to.  I’m willing to bet you haven’t spent much time worrying about how to make it happen.    

For the other areas where you are feeling less certain, the solution is to work on your belief and not the “how to” plan.  Once you really truly believe you can do it, the “how to” naturally follows.    

Our results are a direct reflection of what we believe.  Changing our beliefs can literally change everything. Need a hand examining and changing some of yours?  Let’s chat, just click here to schedule a free, 30-minute discovery session.   

(3-minute read time)

In this final post about transforming relationships, we’re going to look at an actual fix for those challenging relationships. 

First, let’s recap Part I & Part II real quick: 

• All relationships are just thoughts

• It is not other people’s behavior that causes the problems, it is our manuals for how other people “should” behave 

Even if we just left it at that, and you really actually applied these concepts – you will feel some relief in those challenging relationships.  But wait, there’s more!  

Let’s start off with an intentionally over-simplified, hypothetical scenario.  You have an employee who was late for the staff meeting again. You have already spoken to her twice and offered coaching, direction & support.  

Naturally, you probably have an expectation that your two conversations were enough and going forward she SHOULD be on time to the meetings.  

And then she was late.  Again.  

Boom.  Unmet expectation.  Unfollowed manual.  

How do we respond?  

Typically, many of us just find someone to vent about it with.  Then maybe we have a third, super-frustrated conversation with our team member.  (Which by the way does not motivate her at all).

What gives?  How on earth do we make someone do what they are “supposed to do”?

We don’t.  

The best option is to place healthy boundaries.  That term, “boundaries” gets thrown around a lot yet few people do this well.  Most people think boundaries involve telling other people what they can and can not do.  That’s the furthest thing from the truth.  

A boundary, done well, always allows the other person to choose to do as they wish and focuses mainly on your response to their choice.

Here’s an example for that team member who has not been making it on time to the staff meeting: “If you are late to the meeting again, I will move to the next step in corrective action and a formal write up will be placed in your file”.  

In this scenario, your employee can come to the meeting late again if she chooses to.   

Disclaimer: Employee issues are often far more intricate than being late to a meeting.  As I mentioned, I intentionally over-simplified the scenario. The reason I did so is to let you focus on the mechanics of how a boundary works.  The key takeaways are that:

• Boundaries should be delivered in an emotionally healthy and mature way.  Translation: Don’t share the boundary when you are mad. On a related note, in some cases you do not need to share the boundary at all – you can just follow through.  

• The other person gets to choose how to live their life, and no matter what they choose it does NOT determine your emotional well-being.  You are always in charge of that.

• You must be prepared to follow through on the boundary  

This works in our personal relationships too!  

Let’s say your child has been refusing to clean his/her room.  Or your spouse keeps working late. You could demand compliance, which usually involves a lot of unnecessary negative emotion.  

Or you can calmly set a boundary: 

“If you aren’t going to clean your room today I am going to ________”.  

“If you are going to be working past 6 pm, I am going to _______” 

Notice how the other person still gets to do as they wish?  We don’t have to control them. We just have to control ourselves.  

Controlling ourselves here means actually following through on the boundary we set and retaining emotional well-being in the process.  Maybe you can use some help with that? Just click here to schedule time to chat with me!

Let’s face it, relationships can be tough.  Whether it is a personal or professional relationship, some people are just tough to deal with.  

Our employees don’t do what they are supposed to do.  Or they do it poorly or sloppily or they deliver on it late.  

Our family members make bad choices and it upsets us.    

Our friends and acquaintances don’t follow through on what they said they would do.  

Other people’s behaviors are only a “problem” for us when the behavior is out of alignment with our expectations.  

Take a moment and let that sink in.  

We usually don’t really care what people do as long as it does not violate our expectations.   

Many of us unknowingly have rule books, instructions, manuals for how other people SHOULD behave.  And when they do not comply, we get upset.  

The solution?  Ditch the manual.  

“Wait, Deneen, are you saying I should NOT have expectations of my employees?  My spouse? My family & friends?” 

Nope.  You can totally have these requests, expectations, and desires for how you want other people to behave.  At the same time your happiness, your emotional well-being is not dependent upon them fulfilling these expectations.  

You are always in charge of your own emotional well-being.  No one’s actions (or inaction) can make you feel anything. It’s always just your interpretation of their behavior that creates the feeling.  

Remember, in Part I we said all relationships exist only in our minds.  Relationships are just thoughts. Thoughts create feelings. So, if you want to know why you feel a certain way about any relationship just ask yourself what you think about the other person.  It will become very clear, very quickly, why you feel the way you do.    

Instead of letting someone else’s choices determine your emotional well being, try letting them just be who they are.  

Let them be late. 

Let them make poor choices. 

Let them turn in poor quality work.

Let them make commitments and not follow through.  

Let them be them. 

There’s about a 100% chance they are going to be themselves anyway.  

Hear me closely on this part:  This doesn’t mean you don’t respond at all or that there are no consequences.    

There’s a way to respond that keeps your emotional well-being in check AND allows the other person to behave as they wish.  It’s a win-win.     

Stay tuned for the next post where I will cover how to set and follow through on boundaries the right way, the effective way.  The way that gives you even more emotional freedom.      

Looking to set some relationships straight? I can definitely help, just click here to schedule a free, 30-minute discovery session.   

PS – If you missed Part I of this series, you definitely want to go back and check it out. 

(2-minute read time)

Relationships are all around us.  Some personal, some professional. Some easy, some not so easy.  And some of them are just plain hard.  

Because relationships are such a huge part of our lives I’m doing a 3-part series on them.  In this series, we will define what a relationship is, explore where the problems arise and what we can do to fix those issues.  

By the end of this series, you will have the tools to be able to transform any of those challenging relationships in minutes.  You’ll even improve the ones that are pretty darn good right now. Seriously, if you stick with me on these three posts you will be amazed.  

First, let’s start with defining relationships.  

I love the way Google defines the word relationship:  The way in which two or more people or groups regard and behave toward each other”

The verb “regard”, as it’s used in this context, is really just another word for “think about”.   So really, relationships are simply: “The way in which two or more people think about each other”. 

All relationships are just our thoughts about another person.  That’s it. 

For example, I have a best friend who is simply amazing.  I absolutely love her to pieces and I would do anything for her.  But, there are other people in this world who have a completely different relationship with her.  They don’t see her the same way I do.  

Why doesn’t everyone have an amazing relationship with this amazing woman?

Because their relationship with her really has nothing to do with her, it is all about what they think of her.        

This is amazing news.  It’s amazing because we always get to think whatever we want.  

I am not suggesting that we just simply think nice thoughts about other people and that fixes the problem.  We will talk about the actual fix in Part III. For now, just marinate on the idea that all a relationship consists of is your thoughts about another person.  Period.  

Don’t want to wait for Parts II & III to get to the fix for the challenging relationships in your life?  I can definitely help, just click here to schedule a free, 30-minute discovery session.   

(< 2-minute read time)

2019 is just about at the ½ way mark.

How does your progress on your goals stack up against the amount of time we have left in 2019?  Are you ahead of schedule? Behind?

Maybe you haven’t set a personal development goal for 2019 yet?  That’s ok too!

For many of us as leaders, we play a role in ensuring our team members have opportunities to grow and develop.  Still more of us overlook our own personal growth and development. We are so busy managing others we miss managing ourselves!  

Today’s post is a simple one.  Just a few questions for you to ask yourself and honestly answer.  

Am I living my life by default or by design?

What is my “busy-ness” leading me toward?  

How am I purposefully creating my future results?

Every single result you have today is the outcome of prior decisions.  

When we recognize that success is really just a series of decisions we become far more intentional about the decisions we are making.  

Take a moment today to breathe in the possibility that the career, the life, the dreams you have are all entirely possible.  All it takes is the belief that it is indeed possible coupled with a conscious decision to go after it.

Some of you might think the year is too far gone to set or achieve your goals.  It’s not. A lot can happen in 6 months.

You can decide right now what you will have accomplished by the end of the year.  

Decisions do not have to take a long time. In fact, the actual decision is made in an instant. It’s the deliberating on the decision that takes so long.     

The question is – have you decided?  I can definitely help, just click here to schedule a free, 30-minute discovery session.  

(2-minute read time)

Every year I make a trek back home to upstate New York for my annual family reunion. I love my family, I really do but I don’t exactly count this trip as a “ fun vacation”.  

Why?  Because, as much as I love them all, family dynamics can bring up stress.    

This year I firmly decided before I ever even left that this was going to be a stress and drama free trip.  

How can I possibly decide that it was going to be a good time when I had no idea what other people might do?  What if they do something annoying? What if they don’t do something they said they would do? What if they get all loud and weird?  

The fact of the matter is that it truly does not matter what they do or don’t do.  I have no control over that and I never will. (Nor do I want to!)

What really matters is what I do.  

This year, I just reminded myself that everyone gets to do whatever they want to do.  And, so do I.

As adults, we ALL get to choose to do whatever we want to do.  Even if it’s rude or unkind or embarrassing. Even if it’s illegal or immoral.  

People choose these things all the time.

My job is not to control anyone’s actions.  My only job is to choose my response.

Of course, I got the chance to test my conviction.  There was a moment where things did not go as I would’ve chosen.  In the past, I would have indulged in complaining about how awful it is/they are.  

Not this year.  Nope. I stuck to my conviction about everyone getting to do what they want and off I went to do what I wanted to do.  It was a beautiful day in upstate NY that day and I was not about to waste a moment of it. It turned out perfect.

It made me wonder, how many fun moments have I traded for lamenting other people’s choices?   

Probably too many.

The frustration that comes along with people not doing what we desire is certainly not limited to family reunions.  It happens in our workplaces, in our homes, where we volunteer, even where we shop and play and drive.

It’s incredibly freeing when you decide to let people do what they want.  Chances are they are going to do it whether you agree or not anyway.   

You give them freedom, you get freedom.  It’s a win-win.

Who in your life is keeping you from freedom?  I can definitely help, just click here to schedule a free, 30-minute discovery session.   

(2-minute read time)

There’s a secret behind every successful person that no one tells you.  But I’m going to share it:

Success comes from believing that you are already enough, that you are already worthy.

Believing that you are already 100% worthy and there is nothing more you could do to become more worthy actually creates success.  

Why is that?

Well, when we think the way we currently are is “not enough” we are essentially saying we are inadequate.  How much success comes from someone who feels inadequate? Not much.

Believing you are already enough, exactly as you are, requires having a good relationship with yourself.  

Most of us, despite the fact that we spend 24/7 with ourselves, do not have a great relationship with ourselves.  Instead, we criticize and judge ourselves harshly. Most of us would not be friends with someone who treats us the way we treat ourselves.  

When we attempt to reach a goal from that place the outlook is grim.   

When we attempt to reach a goal from a place of already being “enough” there’s a weight lifted, the pressure to perform well is released.  The stakes are not as high if I do not have to reach the goal in order to be worthy.

Now you might be saying “But wait, Deneen, what if I don’t believe that I am already enough, already worthy?”  

I’ll use a short story to explain.  Years ago I was looking for some replacement parts for a toy my nephew had.  They were just some small, plastic balls. I was expecting to find them on eBay for a few bucks.  Nope. The best price I could find for a few measly plastic balls was almost $30! I didn’t think they were worth that amount but my opinion did not change the fact that they clearly were.  

The same is true for you.  Your opinion of your worth (and your opinion of the worth of others as well) is just that – an opinion.  

Your opinion of yourself comes ONLY from you.  From your mind alone, nowhere else. It doesn’t even matter if someone else thinks your not worthy.  You could decide to believe them. Or you could just decide they are mistaken – just like I was mistaken about the worth of the plastic balls for my nephew’s toy.   

What’s your opinion of your self-worth?  Do you like it? Is it helping you reach your goals?  If not, no worries – you definitely aren’t alone and I can definitely help, just click here to schedule a free, 30-minute discovery session.   

(2-minute read time)

As much as it still shocks me to say it, I am definitely a morning person.  If a former high school teacher or college professor of mine happened to be reading this they would probably think I am lying.  And, they would be right because I wasn’t always this way. But, alas, those days of sleeping in are long gone and truly don’t have the same appeal anymore.    

In the mornings I most often feel excited about the day ahead. I look forward to helping my clients and doing what I planned to make my Moonshot Goals become reality.  

However…  that positive morning energy, it tends to run out. Can you relate?

Sometimes, well before the day is done, we lose our enthusiasm, drive, motivation.   

Why?

Well, on the surface, it can be easy to blame the events of the day:

• That talkative colleague stopped by and wasted an hour of your time
• The kids are sick
• I got a flat tire  
• My boss moved up the deadline   
• They hired someone external for the job I wanted

But, the truth is none of these things “drain energy”.  

Here’s what does.  

The thoughts we choose to think about these events, such as:     

• “He’s so inconsiderate and now I’m really behind schedule”
• “Why do they always get sick when I am in the middle of crunch time at work?”
• “Oh perfect, a flat tire, this is just my luck”
• “She’s delusional, who can get all this done in 2 weeks??”
• “I can’t believe they chose someone external!  They don’t care about loyalty”

These initial reactions are perfectly normal.  At the same time, if you can read this then you also have a superpower you just might not be leveraging.  

The power of observation.   

As humans, we are unique in that we can think about what we think about.  It requires noticing and observing the thoughts that pop up. Then, without judgment, just decide if that thought is moving you closer to or further away from the kind of day you want to be having.  

The good you mood you had came from the same place the not-so-good mood came from.   If you want positive emotion you can actually create it – with your mind. I can definitely help, just click here to schedule a free, 30-minute discovery session

(2-minute read time)

She’d had enough.  

She had been working towards getting promoted for weeks.  

Her best efforts weren’t working.  

“I’ve been trying so hard!  Scouring the job boards. Updating my resume to align with each job description. Networking events multiple times a week.  I was at least getting some bites although nothing great. Now, all of a sudden, for no reason I’m not even getting rejection emails”

She added things like:

“I knew I couldn’t get promoted past my current level”

“Every time I try to go for something big, the universe tells me not to.  I should’ve just listened in the first place”

“There’s nothing else I can do, it’s not worth it anymore”

Have you been there?  Even if it wasn’t for a promotion but for some other goal?  

I know I sure have.  And then, I tend to throw the baby out with the bathwater and say something like “Why does EVERYTHING have to be so hard?”

But let’s take a step back.  

No email responses from potential employers in the past 4 days…..

Does it really mean you are never going to get promoted?  You should have never tried? That there are no other means available?  That life as a whole is just really hard

Nope.  Not unless you want to make it mean those things.

You see, you get to make crickets from potential employers mean anything you want to.  You can make it mean that you should have never tried or you can make it mean that you are still on the path to the perfect job.  And, you can decide there’s nothing wrong with still being on the path. Being on the path is not worse than being in a new job.  They’re both just neutral.

Sure, a vent sesh feels like a much needed release now and again.  

But usually, venting is not problem solving.  

Vent if you want.  But, vent quickly.

When you get done venting switch yourself back into intentional thinking.  

Start showing up as the person who already has your desired result. Then, watch it come faster than you can say:  

“I knew I could do it!”

Ready to switch from venting to truly problem-solving?  I can definitely help, just click here to schedule a free, 30-minute discovery session

(3-minute read time)

It was a  one-on-one meeting I will never forget.   

Team Member: “Tell me, really, how do I get ahead in my career?  Do I have to be a b*tch?“

Me:  “What do you mean?  Why would you think you have to be that way to get ahead?”

Team Member:  “Because it just seems that way around here.  Most women who get promoted here are pushy and demanding.  Not you of course, but most of them.”

Phew.  She did not think I was one of those.  

But, there was a larger concern at hand.  She believed that I was one of the lucky few who was able to become a leader without being overly aggressive.  She believed that she might have to muster up an aggressive personality in order to raise her own chances of achieving the same.  

The answer to her question was the same then as it is now:  

“You don’t have to be anyone other than yourself to move forward in your career.”  

It’s a simple answer, but not an easy one.  

While being just who we are is enough, we also need to take the time to know who that is.  Most of us, despite the fact that we are with ourselves all day every day, don’t know ourselves well.  

The second part of this is that we were designed to evolve, change, grow – not stay the same.  This means we will constantly be reinventing ourselves and getting to know the new version of ourselves that we are becoming.  Most of us don’t do that either.

Here’s what most of us actually do: Get the education, the job, the house, the family and then wonder why we don’t feel fulfilled.  

We’ve achieved many of the things we said we wanted when we were younger.  Now we have them and we’re bewildered that life is not all it’s cracked up to be.    

So, what to do?  

We have to choose and sometimes re-choose the design of our lives.  

There are several ways to go about this but it all starts with taking time, which feels like a hot commodity for many of us.  When we do find free time, we are not using it to design our future.

Often, even if we do take time to examine our lives and ask ourselves if we like the results we’ve created, we get stuck.  We stopped dreaming a long time ago. We no longer allow ourselves to envision a future where we have a meaningful, purpose-filled life.  Instead, we believe that’s just not how life works.

If this is you, do two things to kick start living your life with intention :  

1. Make time to design your future:  You’re not too busy for this.  It’s your life we are talking about!  What do you want to accomplish that you have not yet?  Allow yourself to dream here. Do not worry about the logistics, obstacles, costs, or time it would take (yet).  Think of it all as being possible – because, I promise you, it is.
2. Re-choose what’s already good:  There are probably plenty of areas of your life that are great and you would choose all over again.  Maybe you love and would never change your education, spouse, or home. Acknowledge those. Consciously choose them again.  Experience the gratitude and sense of accomplishment all over again! It will propel you towards what you decided in #1.

Once you decide what you want to accomplish in the future, you’ll need a plan to bring it to life.  I can definitely help, just click here to schedule a free, 30-minute discovery session.