“I don’t know”: The sneaky way we lie to ourselves

(2 minute read time)

When I was a kid and someone asked me “What do you want to be when you grow up?” I was easily able to answer.  “I want to be a DJ, a veterinarian, or a teacher”.

Let’s just set aside the fact that I had a rather laughable, diverse array of career preferences and focus on the fact that I was able to easily and confidently answer the question.  

When I was laid off, I had to ask myself the same question: “Deneen, what do you want to be?”.  Did I want to do the same thing at another company? Did I want to do something completely different?  I just didn’t know.

I wondered why it was that as a young person I was so sure of what I wanted to be and as an adult I was so unsure.      

I know I am not alone in this.  I have been working with my clients on getting to their dream job.  When I ask them about what that future job is and what it’s like many of them say “I don’t know”.  Often, what that that really means is they don’t dream about the possibilities anymore.

By now, many of us have already achieved many of the big things we once dreamt of.  We may already have the degree, the job, the spouse, the home, and/or the kids. We are cozy, it’s comfy here.  Maybe not ideal, but comfy.

Our lack of dreaming is based in science.  It’s called The Motivational Triad. Our brains drive us to do three things:

• Seek pleasure
• Avoid pain
• Expend the least amount of energy

So when we think about what we want for our future and we come up with “I don’t know” what we are really thinking may sound something like:

“Going back to school means I’ll have to do a lot of work I won’t enjoy doing’

“Applying for that promotion means I might get rejected’

“A career change is going to require time and energy that I don’t have’

Our younger selves just look inside for what interests us.  We do not care what it might take to get to the desired end result.  

Our grown up brains are “more realistic” and we fear the possible obstacles, challenges, expenses, difficulties.

Saying “I don’t know” is a sneaky lie.  It gives our brain an excuse to remain in the status quo of not knowing.  It’s easier and more comfortable. Our brains like easy and comfortable. But, easy and comfortable won’t move us beyond what we have now.  

Do you have some “I don’t knows” you need to work through?   I can help. Click here to schedule a free 30-minute coaching session with me.