(4 minute read time)
Difficult people. We all have them or have had them at some point. Those people that seem to thrive off of being difficult, easily create conflict, or just plain drive us crazy.
Often, our first response is to give them a piece of our mind or we try to avoid them altogether. Fight or flight – it’s instinctual. Yet neither of these options truly solve the problem. The “fight” response only exacerbates the issue in most cases. And the “flight” response only solves for the physical presence of the problem while it still lives on in our minds.
There has to be a better way! Good news, there is. In this 2 part series, I’ll share tips & tricks to help free you from the impacts of those challenging people that we inevitably cross paths with. Let’s jump right in…
Tip #1: Challenge your beliefs – Clients will often say “It’s just the way they are” when they describe the challenging person in their life. They believe it’s a fact. Challenging, difficult, or toxic people are never fact. For every person you can think of as challenging, I promise you there are people in his or her life that think they’re great (And yes, even if it’s their mom it still counts. Contrary to popular belief moms are not required to think loving thoughts about their children). The thing that makes anyone or anything difficult, challenging, or toxic is what we choose to think about it. We often believe things so strongly we just don’t see it as a choice. But it is – find your choices and you’ll find freedom.
Tip #2: Isolate the Circumstance – Often we are so wrapped up in our belief that the other person is so awful we can’t see the forest for the trees. Try isolating out exactly what happened that has you feeling frustrated or angry with them. Let’s say a family member calls you and says you’re totally irresponsible, inconsiderate, and they no longer want anything to do with you. Most of us would want to defend ourselves and give them all the reasons why they’re wrong, and we’d feel hurt by what they said. What really happened here is that a family member said words. Do you really want to give words that much power?? Do you really want to give the person who said them that much power?? That person and those words are a Circumstance. Circumstances do not have the power to make us feel anything ever. Instead, we can make a conscious choice about what to think and feel about the Circumstance. One great way to do that is Tip #3.
Tip #3: Find what’s true & let them be wrong about the rest – We often give away so much of our power by the way we interpret the Circumstances in our lives. Family member said words. OK, now what? Are the words they spoke true? If they’re not true, can you let them be wrong? Often I find that anything bad anyone can say about me really does have some truth in it. That’s good to know, now I can take responsibility for that if I want to change that part of my life. Are you willing to see any truth in what they said? It can seem a little scary at first but in reality, it’s extremely empowering.
And, sometimes things are said about me that don’t resonate with me and I don’t see as true. That’s ok too. People get things wrong all the time, and so do I. Allowing them to be wrong is so freeing. When I am in alignment with myself, secure in my relationship with myself, I don’t have to scurry around fixing other people’s opinions of me.
Tip #4: Free them – Adults get to do and be whatever they want. You can’t control them, even if you’re the “boss” at work. You can try, but they always get to choose whether to comply or not. So how about this – let them choose. Stop wishing they were different. Let them break the rules. Let them be who they want to be, who they are. They’re going to do what they want to anyway. Free yourself from the fruitless efforts of trying to control them by freeing them to be who they are. This doesn’t mean there won’t be consequences for their choices, which brings us to the next tip, boundaries. We’ll kick off with that next time… You won’t want to miss it, it’s a game-changer we often misuse.
Be sure to tune in next time to find out more! And, in the meantime, if you’ve got a challenging person or situation in your life you want to resolve, I can definitely help. Just click here to set up some time to chat.
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