(5 minute read time)
       
I’m willing to bet you have had a challenging person in your life recently.  Whether it’s a colleague, a neighbor, a family member, your boss, or the maniac driver who cuts you off and then gives you half of a peace sign as if it was your fault – we all cross paths with challenging people.  Today we carry on with Part II of “Eight great ways to handle the challenging people in your life”.  If you missed Part I or need a refresher, you can find the first 4 Tips here.  

Now, onto the next 4 Tips…  

Tip #5:  Set boundaries – Boundaries are something we frequently get all wrong.  We think it’s about the other person.  It’s not.  It’s about you and what you will do if the other person decides to behave in a way you’d rather they not.  An example might be the language or tone of voice someone uses around you.  Let’s say you don’t want your partner to yell at you.  Often we will raise our own voices in an effort to get what we want and we end up doing the very thing we don’t want from them.  Then we further exacerbate the problem by blaming them for our response – “Well, if he didn’t… then I wouldn’t….”.  This line of thinking prevents us from emotional maturity and being in control of our own behavior.  It delegates responsibility to the other person.  Other people are never in charge of how you think and feel.  Which is great news, because you can’t be held responsible for the way they think or feel either.  

So what gives?  How can we possibly escape the chaos without contributing to it?  You can tell them not to yell, but if it’s their habit they’re probably going to yell anyway.  So, instead, try to set a boundary that defines what YOU will do in response to the undesired behavior.  For example, if my partner yells at me I am going to tell him we can continue the conversation later and I’ll head out to take a walk.  He still gets to yell and I get to choose to not participate.                    

Tip #6:  Don’t take the offered offense – When I “take offense” to something someone says or does, that “taking” is an action I took.  The other person did not install the feeling of “offended” inside of me.  I am not their victim, I am not without choice.  I reached out and took it, picked up the offense, and made it mine.  

You always get to decide if there’s any validity to what was said about you.  You get to decide what to make those words mean.  Brooke Castillo often uses the example of blue hair.  If someone came up to you and told you they hated your blue hair would you be offended?  If you don’t have blue hair you would not be offended.  You would know they are wrong and maybe even think they’re a little crazy.  The thing that creates the hurt is believing the insult they offered.  (PS – if there some truth to it, see tip #3 again).                   

Tip #7:  Get Curious – Often, we have ourselves believing so strongly that the other person is just a jerk as if it were a fact.  We now know that’s not a fact because chances are someone (maybe even lots of someones) in that person’s life thinks they’re great.  So then, why are they acting the way they are?  When we get genuinely curious about where the other person is coming from we have to drop any story about their negative intent.  We open our minds to other possibilities, which calms our brain a bit and we can begin to relate, at least on a mental level, with even the most difficult of people.  

Ask questions and listen with the intent to understand the other person’s perspective, NOT for what you’ll say next.  Studies have shown we aren’t great at this – we typically listen for no longer than 17 seconds before interrupting.  This means we stopped listening well before that in order to form the words we’d use to interrupt.  We want other people to understand where we are coming from, right?  How about we give lots of that away and see what happens.

When we dominate in the listening department we gain valuable information about what’s going on in the other person’s mind which helps explain why they are behaving the way they are.  Listening doesn’t mean you agree with or condone the other person’s beliefs, but at a minimum, you will have a much better understanding – and that can go a long way.  

Tip #8: Decide –  I know you probably have gobs of evidence that he/she is a total jerk.  But your evidence here only serves to keep you stuck in a challenged relationship.  Consider how you feel and how you behave when you allow yourself to believe he or she is a jerk.  Does it lead you to respond in a way that feels good, true, and authentic?  Does it have you showing up the way you want to in your life?  Most of us are very clear on how we think the other person should behave but are you clear on how you want to behave?  Who do you want to be, how do you want to respond when other people aren’t doing as you’d like?  Decide how you want to be beforehand – is it arguing back, blaming, pointing fingers?  Or, would you prefer to be kind, calm, collected?  No one but you gets to decide that.  

Bonus tip #8B: Self-care – for my clients that are all-in on taking care of themselves – physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually these 8 tips are a whole lot easier to employ.  We simply cannot pour from an empty pitcher.  When’s the last time you made self-care a priority?  It isn’t selfish, in fact, it’s probably one of the most generous things you can do for yourself and the relationships in your life.          

I know that in the heat of a situation where we’ve been triggered it can feel rather difficult to employ these tools.  I can definitely help make that easier for you.  Just click here to set up some time to chat.  

(4 minute read time)

Difficult people. We all have them or have had them at some point.  Those people that seem to thrive off of being difficult, easily create conflict, or just plain drive us crazy.    

Often, our first response is to give them a piece of our mind or we try to avoid them altogether.  Fight or flight – it’s instinctual.  Yet neither of these options truly solve the problem.  The “fight” response only exacerbates the issue in most cases.  And the “flight” response only solves for the physical presence of the problem while it still lives on in our minds.

There has to be a better way!  Good news, there is.  In this 2 part series, I’ll share tips & tricks to help free you from the impacts of those challenging people that we inevitably cross paths with.  Let’s jump right in…

Tip #1:  Challenge your beliefs – Clients will often say “It’s just the way they are” when they describe the challenging person in their life.  They believe it’s a fact.  Challenging,  difficult, or toxic people are never fact.  For every person you can think of as challenging, I promise you there are people in his or her life that think they’re great (And yes, even if it’s their mom it still counts.  Contrary to popular belief moms are not required to think loving thoughts about their children).  The thing that makes anyone or anything difficult, challenging, or toxic is what we choose to think about it.  We often believe things so strongly we just don’t see it as a choice.  But it is – find your choices and you’ll find freedom.       

Tip #2:  Isolate the Circumstance – Often we are so wrapped up in our belief that the other person is so awful we can’t see the forest for the trees.  Try isolating out exactly what happened that has you feeling frustrated or angry with them.  Let’s say a family member calls you and says you’re totally irresponsible, inconsiderate, and they no longer want anything to do with you.  Most of us would want to defend ourselves and give them all the reasons why they’re wrong, and we’d feel hurt by what they said.  What really happened here is that a family member said words.  Do you really want to give words that much power??  Do you really want to give the person who said them that much power??  That person and those words are a Circumstance.  Circumstances do not have the power to make us feel anything ever.  Instead, we can make a conscious choice about what to think and feel about the Circumstance.  One great way to do that is Tip #3.      

Tip #3:  Find what’s true & let them be wrong about the rest – We often give away so much of our power by the way we interpret the Circumstances in our lives.  Family member said words.  OK, now what?  Are the words they spoke true? If they’re not true, can you let them be wrong? Often I find that anything bad anyone can say about me really does have some truth in it.  That’s good to know, now I can take responsibility for that if I want to change that part of my life.  Are you willing to see any truth in what they said?  It can seem a little scary at first but in reality, it’s extremely empowering.  

And, sometimes things are said about me that don’t resonate with me and I don’t see as true.  That’s ok too.  People get things wrong all the time, and so do I.  Allowing them to be wrong is so freeing.  When I am in alignment with myself, secure in my relationship with myself, I don’t have to scurry around fixing other people’s opinions of me.              

Tip #4:  Free them – Adults get to do and be whatever they want.  You can’t control them, even if you’re the “boss” at work.  You can try, but they always get to choose whether to comply or not.  So how about this – let them choose.  Stop wishing they were different.  Let them break the rules. Let them be who they want to be, who they are. They’re going to do what they want to anyway.  Free yourself from the fruitless efforts of trying to control them by freeing them to be who they are.  This doesn’t mean there won’t be consequences for their choices, which brings us to the next tip, boundaries. We’ll kick off with that next time… You won’t want to miss it, it’s a game-changer we often misuse.

Be sure to tune in next time to find out more!  And, in the meantime, if you’ve got a challenging person or situation in your life you want to resolve, I can definitely help.  Just click here to set up some time to chat. 

(2 minute read time)

Have you ever noticed your brain is really good at finding things wrong about you?  

In my former corporate role, I did a lot of work as a master certified trainer – I trained and certified people to facilitate specific courses.  A part of the certification involves the candidates delivering a portion of a particular course to demonstrate their ability.  

At the end of the demo I’d ask the same question every time:

“What went well?”

Almost invariably, the answer was a quick mention of one good thing immediately followed by errors they believed they made.   Even though I hadn’t asked about the errors or opportunities to improve, their minds automatically went there.  

We all do this to ourselves to some degree.  We focus on the flaw, what went wrong, the imperfections.  Any mistake can be like a big flashing neon sign in our brain, one so bright it outshines all the good.    

It makes sense that we do this.  We’re taught from an early age to strive for perfection – in school, sports, and activities.  We are rewarded greatly for “getting it right”.  I remember Grandma would give me a quarter for every “A” on my report card – yep, a whole 25¢.  B grades got me nothing.  

I’m not here to pick on Grandma, she was amazing!  The quarters were just a way that she showed me she loved me, she wanted the best for me, wanted me to succeed.  

At the same time, I think we need a fresh look at our flaws, mistakes, and failures.  

Carol Dweck, in her famous Ted Talk, speaks about a school in Chicago that gave those who didn’t pass a course a grade of “Not Yet”.  The idea is that this kind of grading leaves the door open for future learning, that “Yet” is possible.

What if we took that approach in our own lives?  How would that change things?  I suspect we would be far more open to trying again.

When we are willing to give it another whack after a flub up, we give ourselves another chance – this time with more experience.  With more experience, we are closer to “Yet” than ever before!  Could you use a hand getting to your “Yet”?  I can definitely help.  Click here to chat!     

(2 minute read time)

I started the Love Dare three years ago as a Valentine’s Day post to encourage leaders to bring love into the workplace.  In my career I’ve seen countless organizational cultures and most do not have an abundance of love in them.  Considering that most of us tend to reserve “love” for our personal lives it makes sense that this gap exists.    

Sure we hear some people say things like “I love my job”.  However, that’s often followed with “But, I really can’t stand ____”, which diminishes, if not negates, the love piece of the statement.  

In addition, we often use the word “love” rather flippantly.  It’s a catch-all term used to describe how we feel about our spouse or kids but we also use that same term to describe how we feel about our favorite ice cream or pair of jeans.  

Some languages have multiple words to help differentiate the kind of “love” being referenced.  English isn’t one of them.  So, if we want to be clear we need to find another way. 

The unique thing about the Love Dare is that it doesn’t involve words at all.  

Here’s how it works… Throughout your day practice feeling love for those around you – all of them, and especially the challenging people.  With most people, it will be pretty easy to find something you genuinely appreciate about them. Start with them – find something you appreciate and let your mind marinate on only that for a moment.  For those that feel more challenging, challenge yourself to find just one small thing you can embrace about who they are.  You don’t even have to say a word.  Just try it in your mind for one whole day.  

If you haven’t done the Love Dare with me before you may be asking yourself – WHY??  Why would I bother doing this? Here are excerpts from past years Love Dare to help answer that very question.  

• 2019 Love Dare – Love feels awesome.  It’s amazing. Why wouldn’t we want to feel it as frequently as possible???

• 2020 Love Dare – What you will find is that even if nothing else changes – you’ll feel a whole lot better.  Because love just feels better than what you were thinking and feeling before you took this dare.     

I promise you’ve got nothing to lose here, and oh so much to gain.  If you could use a hand, I can definitely help.  Click here to chat!  

As someone who calls Tampa Bay home – wow, what a Super Bowl!!! I like football but if I’m honest, really it’s mostly about the food and the commercials. But not this year – what a game, way to go Bucs!! Not to mention the Super Bowl ads were not as entertaining as usual. Although, the ad offering an opportunity to be on board the first all-civilian MISSION TO OUTER SPACE caught my attention.  Did you see it?  It’s not that it was all that entertaining, but there’s something far more valuable hidden in there.  

How did you react to the offer to go to outer space? Or, in case you didn’t see it – how WOULD react to such an offer? My reaction was super fast, like a reflex, and it surprised me.  It sounded something like “There’s no way, I don’t have what it takes”.  Before ever looking up any details, I disqualified myself.  Turns out I actually could qualify.  And while I do think a journey to space would be pretty cool – it doesn’t sing to my heart’s desire enough to pursue.  

What about you?  Maybe your reflex thoughts sound like mine.  But, let me ask you something… Could you accidentally be saying “No way” to a dream you actually do want?   Might you be accepting a knee-jerk belief that says you’re not enough?  That you can’t really have the kind of future you want in a certain area of your life?   

Maybe it’s not a dream about outer space but one closer to home.  Perhaps it’s a dream for your health, your relationships, finances, or career.  Getting to the results you really want may require you to see the future with a different lens.  

Getting to the BIG dreams in life means believing the best about your future, believing in your success, before you have the evidence to support that belief.  It may sound ridiculous, to believe something without evidence, but the alternative isn’t very inspiring.  Plus, it’s way more fun to envision success and makes taking the next tiny step a whole lot easier.  For a quick read about how this could work in your life, just click here.  #20TwentyWon.

(3 minute read time)

It seems like bad news has been rampant in the lives of those I care about lately.  Every few days or so there’s a new health issue, a relationship in turmoil, a loved one passed, financial troubles, problems at work, or challenges with the kids.  Maybe you’ve seen the storms too, in the lives of those you love, or perhaps you’re dealing with your very own storm.   

When we think about handling all that keeps getting thrown at us, often it feels huge and weighty.  Like it’s all just too much.    

The problem is our internal “zoom lens”.  We misuse our imagination to zoom out into the future just far enough to be a problem.  We envision the difficulties of our circumstances.  We envision the challenges, the obstacles, and all the effort it’s going to take to overcome them.  

And then we stop right there.  

We don’t zoom out past those hard parts and envision ourselves actually overcoming them.  Rising to the challenge and succeeding.  We stop just short of that image.      

Such short-sightedness is what often stops us from growth, change, and creating intentional results.  It keeps us recycling the same life, enduring it – not enjoying it.  

Here’s a workaround… 

Zoom OUT bigger than you have been & also zoom IN much smaller.

Zoom out – look at the bigger picture, beyond the effort.  Think about WHY you’re even doing the things you do…  Why do you go to work every day?  Why do you help a friend in need?  Why do you pay the bills?  Why do you take care of the kids?  Why do you stay with your partner?  

These may seem like silly questions and you may feel tempted to answer “Because I have to”.  While that may feel true (it’s not, but that’s another post 😉), challenge yourself to come up with other reasons too.  Reminding ourselves of our why can reignite motivation – if it’s a good reason.  Then, further that motivation by zooming out far enough to envision your future self actually achieving these things you’re putting time & energy into.     

Next, we go to the other extreme and we zoom in, sometimes WAY in. 

Ask yourself; “What’s most important today?”.  Sometimes it helps to zoom in even further and ask “What’s the most important right now?”.  Of course “important” is defined differently by different people and can vary from day-to-day.  The point is to narrow your focus down to just what you can actually handle in a discrete amount of time.  Maybe it’s sending one email, scheduling one appointment, organizing one drawer, applying to one job, paying one bill, signing up for one work out, declining one dessert… You get the idea.  Make the chaos manageable by choosing and committing to one small step towards where you want to be.  These tiny, consistent actions compound much faster than you think.      

When I open the camera on my phone it automatically offers just 2x the zoom.  If I want to go bigger or smaller than that, I have to do it manually – intentionally.  The same is true in our lives.  Could you use a hand with your zoom lens? I can definitely help.  Click here to chat!  

(Less than 2 minutes)

You are amazing.  Yes you. The one reading this.  

Did you know that?

Like deep in your bones know it?  Undoubtedly?

Some of us have a glimmer of our worth and yet fear being categorized as “arrogant” so we cloak our confidence in humility.  

Many more don’t know it at all.  The level of their awesomeness is unknown to them.  Instead they question their value or worth.  And, at most, claim themselves to be “average”.      

If that’s you – listen up.  

You.  Are.  Not.  Average.  

Average means typical, expected, in the middle, mediocre.

Mediocre is boring.  

You are not boring. 

You, like the rest of us, were born 100% awesome and worthy.  Don’t worry about being arrogant, you can’t even take credit for this – you were just there.     

And, you certainly weren’t born boring.  That body you walk around in today is rather spectacular. You make 25 million new cells every single second.  Your heart will beat about 100,000 times just today.  That same heart pumps blood through thousands of miles of blood vessels that, if laid end to end, could circle the globe!  And, just like your fingerprint, your tongue print (if you ever took one) would be completely unique to you, unlike any other in the world.  

Now, I’m not suggesting you go lick an ink pad and stamp your tongue to feel unique and special.  But what I am suggesting is that we take a look at what we’ve allowed to degrade our inherent worth.  

Somehow, after we grow up a bit we start to erode our own worth.   We define our worth in comparison to others.  We make it about our accomplishments or lack of them.  We let past mistakes, guilt, and shame factor into the equation.

What if you dropped all that?  What if you believed the truth about how incredible you are?  
Who would you be then?  What could you accomplish or create from a place of sure-footed worthiness?  I bet it would be pretty darn incredible.  I can definitely help.  Click here to chat! 

(2 minute read time)

MLK Day seems even more poignant to me this year.  As I started writing, there was a sense of regret for missing out on the depth of it in years past.  An initial feeling of neglect and thoughts like “I should have known”.

And then I decided guilt and regret aren’t going to change me for the better.    

I decided I knew what I was supposed to know about Dr. King when I knew it.  

I decided that, like he did, I will take something negative and create the opposite.

As a result, I decided that my understanding of the depth of his work, his brilliant mind, should always be an evolution.  A work in progress.     

One of the many misconceptions I’ve had was that King was always so peaceful.  That it was easy for him.  How could he tackle racism and experience grave injustices and not be angry?  

I was wrong.  He was angry and he did wrestle with it.  

Clayborne Carson is the director of Martin Luther King Jr. Research & Education at Stanford University, so I think it’s fair to say he knows a thing or two about the man.  When asked about King and anger, he replied: “I have no doubt that he got mad.  It would surprise me if that were not the case.  There were many things for him to get mad at.” 

If you know my work, you know I teach that Feelings drive our Actions.  Everything we do or do not do is because of an emotion.  Actions taken from an angry place typically are not effective.  (Test me on this, when is the last time you were really PO’d and everything went great?)

So if King was angry, how could he take on an issue like civil rights and get anywhere?  

Because he did not take a swan dive into a pool of anger.  He did not succumb to it or indulge in it. No. Instead, he took charge of his mind.

In his far more eloquent words, he answers the question of managing anger this way:

 “…seek to concentrate on the higher virtue of calmness. You expel a lower vice by concentrating on a higher virtue”  

For sure this is easier said than done, especially when we’re already angry.  But, King knew he could manage negative feelings and create more useful ones with his mind.  He made historical contributions to our world by doing so.    

How about you?  What is your relationship with anger?  Does it get in the way sometimes?  It’s pretty normal – even the greats have wrestled with it sometimes.   

Anger can feel awful.  It can feel uncontrollable.  King proved it doesn’t have to be that way. He proved that anger can be turned into hope.  Into desire and determination.  Into inspiration.   I can help.  Click here to chat!  

(Less than 3 minute read time)

We’re here. 2021 has arrived.  For some of us getting to this point might’ve felt like dragging a ton of bricks across the finish line.  Many looked forward to being able to declare “it’s finally over!”.  The popular sentiment has been to eagerly anticipate the new year and tell 2020 to not let the door hit its bum on the way out. 

So now, here we are, about a week into 2021 and I have to ask, how are you feeling?

Most of what I’ve been hearing lately is “I don’t really feel that different”.  It’s kind of like the day after a birthday, we don’t usually feel older or different.  Or, have you ever been near the end of a big project or goal and expect you’ll feel great when it’s done?  But then that time comes, and it’s not as glorious as you thought… 

I’ve worked with many clients to achieve goals and they’ve been successful – they’ve gotten new careers, achieved degrees, earned promotions. They’ve increased their bank accounts, gone on vacations, purchased homes.  They’ve decreased their pant size, repaired relationships, quit unhealthy habits, and found joy in creating a life beyond what they ever thought possible.     

And yet still, the end of a goal can seem anticlimactic or the joy just doesn’t last very long.  Why is that?  And how do we get to true happiness?

The reason the new year, the new career, the new pant size doesn’t feel amazing forever is because these are simply Circumstances.  They’re just there and have never had the power to make us feel anything.  

Happiness doesn’t come from an external event or object.  All feelings, like happiness, come from our brains.  They’re a reflection of our thoughts.  A new car doesn’t make us happy.  It’s what we think about it that makes us feel happy.  When we no longer think those happy, exciting thoughts about the new car – the happy new car feeling fades.  

It’s the same thing when the clock flipped to 12:00 AM on 01/01/21.  It’s a new year.  That in itself is not a magical thing.  But your Thoughts about this new year COULD make it a magical one.    

This is NOT about getting to be happy all of the time.  Rather, it’s about realizing that because you are in charge of what you think, you also have the authority over your emotions.  You do not have to wait for happiness to show up at your door (it’s not going to anyway).  And, you do not have to live with the effects of whatever emotion you happen to wake up with.     

Instead, you could choose to hang out with me throughout the year and I promise to bring you real, practical solutions. Keep an eye out for new posts every month and together we won’t just take on whatever 2021 has in store. Nope, we will decide what we want in 2021 and we’ll go get it. Consider it done. #20TwentyWon

Oh, and I have a shiny new calendar for you to schedule time for a free chat. We can strategize together about how this all works for you specifically. Let’s do this!

(2-minute read time) 

So you just survived Thanksgiving – how’d it go? Did it get you all revved up for the December holidays?  

If your answer is “No!” – I totally get it.  Holidays can be stressful and emotional even without a pandemic adding to it all.  You may be feeling sad over Thanksgiving having been reduced to a Zoom meeting,  Or, perhaps you got together with family and found that the in-laws, siblings, and conversations about current events were just all too much (once again). 

Depending on your experience last week, you may be tempted to dread the next few weeks.  You may anticipate not being able to be with family and feel sad.  You may be planning to gather with family and how to handle the annoying things that your weird Uncle Darryl does.    

Here are three tips to help you make the next few weeks much more enjoyable, regardless of how Thanksgiving went.  

1. Be where you are – If you’re not getting together with family and anticipate being sad about that, you’re actually feeling sad NOW about something in the future.  When we do this, we remove the ability to experience joy in the present moment.  And, we block creative ideas to make the best of a socially distanced holiday. 
2. Drop the “should” – Go ahead and expect the other people in your life who will be on the call or at the dinner to be exactly who they always are.  Don’t waste your time spinning on how they “should” behave or what they “should” do.    Instead, move to Tip #3.    
3. Decisions ahead of time – Whether you’ll be gathering virtually or in-person, you can decide now what the rest of the holiday season will be like.  You can decide how you’ll react when other people behave the same way they always do.  Instead of wishing they were different, allow them to be who they are (they’re going to anyway).  Spend your time deciding on a response that aligns with the kind of holidays you’d really like to have.  

Holidays do not have to equal stress.  Need a hand removing some?  I can definitely help.  Click here to chat!