Author: Deneen Kipp

If I asked you to close your eyes and then told you “Do not think of a pink elephant” – what are you going to do?  Would you think of a green monkey??   Not likely.  You are going to think of a pink elephant. You probably have a pink elephant in your mind right now – and not just because there’s a picture of one above.  Your brain can’t help itself.  

Our brains will go after that which we are focused on.  Therefore, it makes sense to direct our attention to what we DO want versus what we don’t.  

Years ago, I belonged to a group and as leaders we were trying to address a situation where some of the participants had been wearing strong perfume at our meetings.  I love some good perfume, but it bothered some other members with allergies.

We decided that instead of making an announcement telling people what not to do (“Don’t wear perfume/cologne”) we would say what we did want:

“We encourage members to limit the use of perfume/cologne”

It worked.  

This subtle shift in thinking is can positively impact our own performance and the performance of those we manage.

If you have a big interview or presentation coming up try thinking: “I am going to do what it takes to ace this” instead of thinking “I don’t want to bomb it”.    

As for your employees, consider that adults do not appreciate being told what they are not allowed to do.  Think about it, do you like that? Not really, right? Instead, consider telling your employee what you DO want from them instead of what you don’t.  

Influencing others in an impactful way is a key leadership characteristic.  The words you choose have affect how influential you are. This may sound like semantics but it is rooted in science.  Several studies show that adults perform better at work when they have some level autonomy. Tell them what NOT to do and you have just taken away that coveted autonomy.  Tell them what you do want, collaborate on the “how to” and watch the magic happen!

I encourage you to click here to schedule some time with me to chat more about this or any other leadership topic on your mind these days!

(3 minute read time)

I am chuckling as I think about The Bobs in the movie Office Space.  You remember the scene, The Bobs ask the famous question “So, what would you say… ya do here?”

As much as I think it is important to have an elevator pitch that describes what you do – this blog is not about that.  

It occurred to me that I may have a blind spot, and I want to address it.  I am a coach and I have a coach, so I know exactly what coaches do. But not everyone is or has a coach so not everyone knows what coaches do.     

A leadership coach ___________.   

Fill in the blank.  What comes to mind for you when you think about what a coach does?

I have heard a lot of different answers to this question – many of them far from the green.  So, I thought I would clear it up a bit in this post.

First, let’s bust a few myths.

• A coach is NOT a “paid” friend – I have clients that are friends and friends that clients, they will tell you it’s a completely different experience when I have my coach hat on.  A good coach remains objective at all times.

• A coach does not hold you accountable – You are an adult, you do not need a babysitter.  Coaches will help you see the reason why you aren’t taking action, but we are not going to hold your feet to the fire.  Of course we want you to succeed, but we do not micromanage.

• A coach is not a therapist – Therapy has its place and that place is different than coaching.  Therapists can help with mental health maladies. If you need therapy a coach will not suffice.  Coaching helps take someone who is already fully functioning to get to their next level. (P.S. – If you are not sure if you need a coach or a therapist, here is a great article that can help)  

Now, let’s talk about what coaching actually is.  If The Bobs were sitting in front of me, here is how I would answer them.  

• I help my clients set and achieve goals.  Together we identify the current and desired state.  We tap into their untapped potential and design the future, the career, the lifestyle they have always wanted.  

• I partner with my clients to uncover what is holding them back from achieving their potential.  We find strategies (that actually work) to overcome obstacles. We celebrate success.

• I provide structure, support and tools to help bring my client’s potential to life.  Many of us are so busy IN our lives, living our lives, we do not take the time to step out of it and work ON our lives.  I give personalized strategies to leaders instead of a one-size-fits-all approach.

• I give my clients time and energy.  Don’t we all want more of that? Coaching doesn’t take time, it saves time.  I help my clients create an exciting plan, gain momentum and make it happen.    

If you do not have the life you want, a coach can likely help you.  Find one that specializes in what you want. There are coaches for everything – career, weight, parenting, dating, marriage, divorce, finances etc.    

Back in the 50’s and 60’s going to a gym to work out was unusual.  Having a personal trainer was even more unusual. Physical fitness, gym memberships and personal trainers are now commonplace.  

The same is happening with coaching.  It’s like having a personal trainer for your mind.    

Give it a try…. Click here to schedule a free 30-minute coaching session with me.     

(2 minute read time)

In the movie The Pursuit of Happyness there is this line where the main character, Chris Gardner says:  “I still remember that moment. They all looked so damn happy to me. Why couldn’t I look like that?”

Haven’t we all looked around and wondered why other people seem so much happier (or better, smarter, nicer, kinder, thinner, prettier) than we are?

I have this friend.  Her house is literally spotless – all the time.  If I were to drop by unannounced, I know her house will be picture perfect.  Seriously, it looks like it is constantly ready for an Open House. I am a pretty neat and organized person but if I compare her gorgeous, perfectly decorated home to mine, it could be easy for me to think I am a slob.  

We see it on social media all the time.  People presenting the best versions of themselves – the happy, cheery, successful version.  We look at them and we compare. We usually come out on the losing side of that comparison.      

We forget that in order for happiness to exist, its counterpart must also exist.  There cannot be happiness without unhappiness. If everything was happy, everything would be the same and we would not even know we were happy.    

As leaders it’s our job to take on challenges, obstacles, make tough decisions.  When these things come up it can be easy to think things have gone terribly wrong.  It can be easy to judge the situation or ourselves harshly.

But, what if we look at our troubles differently?  What if we expected them? What if we accepted them as a natural part of the human experience?  What if we get wind of a “problem” and we just know that being a leader means we get to handle these things?

Allowing and accepting reality opens up our minds to creative solutions.  I have learned it also saves a boatload of time and energy (that old saying “The pain is in the resistance” is real my friends)

Next time you are faced with a less than desirable situation, just know that nothing has gone wrong.  It’s just part of the deal. Perhaps, it’s actually perfect because leadership, and life, is supposed to include these things.  

Perhaps life was never supposed to be spotless.  

Want to learn more?  Click here to schedule a free 30-minute coaching session with me.     

(2 minute read time)

In my Gratitude 2.0 post, I shared how much I love Thanksgiving but after that things tend to get hairy….  I keep thinking about how much I have to do. There are all of the regular To-Do’s plus all of the holiday stuff.  It’s easy to get more than a little stressed about it.

Can you relate?

Here are 4 quick tips to help….

1. Recognize that a list of things To-Do does not have the ability to stress you out.  A list of things to accomplish is just a list. It has no power. Until you judge it.  If look at our list and think “Ugh, there’s just so much to do” now we have stress. Your list is just a list.  How do you WANT to think about it?                                                                                       
2. Treat your To-Do’s as something you GET to do not something you MUST do.  “I get to find the perfect present for my sister” feels way better than “I have to….”     
3. Decide how you want to feel and create that feeling – Stressed, overwhelmed, exhausted is probably not what you’d pick.  Me neither. This year, I am purposefully generating the emotions I want – joy, appreciation, peace, presence. I am playing Christmas music much more this year than ever before!  I am delighting in wearing a scarf and drinking a hot cup of coffee on cold days. I make it a point to notice and appreciate the holiday decorations all around. Think about how you can create what you want to feel.                       
4. Make it manageable.  As the old saying goes “How do you eat an elephant?  One bite at a time”. I love asking myself “If I could only do one or two things for the holidays today, what would they be?”.   That’s much more compelling than thinking “I will never get to all of this”.

What else works for you this time of year?  We all appreciate a good holiday hack, share yours in the comments below!  

(2 minute read)

Several years ago I was presented with an award at work.  It was a pretty big one, it included bonus cash, a week-long-all-expenses-paid trip, the whole shebang.  

It was presented to me beautifully with a lots of appropriate hullabaloo (there is such a thing as inappropriate hullabaloo — but that’s another post).  I should have been ecstatic. I was not.

I vividly remember thinking “They must have run out of people to give the award to, that’s why I got it”.  

I did not question that thought.  I just thought it and believed it.  

My brain needed to answer the question “Why is this happening?  What did I do to deserve all this?”

I couldn’t think of anything I did that was special or unique.  In my mind, I was just doing my job.  So, I just came up with this idea that they ran out of people to give the award to.

I had no reason or evidence to think this, my brain just offered that up as an explanation and I hungrily grabbed it.  

Had I known then what I know now, I would have immediately caught myself talking smack to myself and put a stop to it.  Or at least asked myself a few questions about it.

Today I know that what I think about myself is the ONE THING that impacts everything else in my life.  I know I will either rise up to or down-size to the version of me that is in my mind.

I am not talking about airy-fairy, woo-woo, affirmations here.  I am just talking about watching myself think.

Sometimes it’s still negative.  But, I question the validity.

Thinking on purpose leads to exponential growth.  It’s a game changer.

You can start experiencing the power by just simply noticing your thoughts. Then start choosing your thoughts on purpose. This doesn’t mean you should always choose “rainbow and daisy” thoughts.  But do know, your thoughts are always optional and they impact everything.

Need some help choosing the thoughts that serve you best?  Click here to schedule a free 30-minute coaching session with me.    

(2 minute read time) 

I am in the business of asking questions.  My clients will tell you, I ask them A LOT of questions.  

I also ask myself a lot of questions.  Here’s why.

Most of us already have the answers we seek we just need to access them.  Asking yourself great questions is a sure-fire way to get some momentum.

You might wonder “What makes a question a great question?”

Now THAT is a great question!  I’m glad you asked.   

Often times, and especially when we are in a tough situation, we ask questions negatively.  

• A project at work is delayed.  We ask: “Why does this always happen?”
• We get passed up for a promotion.  We ask: “What am I doing wrong?”
• An employee issue arises.  We ask: “Why does everything have to be so difficult?”

Think about what kind of answers are going to come out of the questions above.  Seriously, take a minute and imagine yourself in one of these situations. Ask the question and see what your brain comes up with.   I’ll wait.

Here’s the deal.  Your brain does not care if the question is a good one or not.  It just really likes to make sure the question is answered.

Ok, now try these on instead:

• “What can I do to get this back on track?”
• “What are some ways I can grow & develop my skill set?”
• “What else could I try to make this better?”

Better right?

Our brains are amazingly powerful tools.  Asking it great questions puts it to work for you instead of against you.  

Here’s a question – Want to learn more?  Click here to schedule a free 30-minute coaching session with me.     

(2 minute read time)

When I was a kid and someone asked me “What do you want to be when you grow up?” I was easily able to answer.  “I want to be a DJ, a veterinarian, or a teacher”.

Let’s just set aside the fact that I had a rather laughable, diverse array of career preferences and focus on the fact that I was able to easily and confidently answer the question.  

When I was laid off, I had to ask myself the same question: “Deneen, what do you want to be?”.  Did I want to do the same thing at another company? Did I want to do something completely different?  I just didn’t know.

I wondered why it was that as a young person I was so sure of what I wanted to be and as an adult I was so unsure.      

I know I am not alone in this.  I have been working with my clients on getting to their dream job.  When I ask them about what that future job is and what it’s like many of them say “I don’t know”.  Often, what that that really means is they don’t dream about the possibilities anymore.

By now, many of us have already achieved many of the big things we once dreamt of.  We may already have the degree, the job, the spouse, the home, and/or the kids. We are cozy, it’s comfy here.  Maybe not ideal, but comfy.

Our lack of dreaming is based in science.  It’s called The Motivational Triad. Our brains drive us to do three things:

• Seek pleasure
• Avoid pain
• Expend the least amount of energy

So when we think about what we want for our future and we come up with “I don’t know” what we are really thinking may sound something like:

“Going back to school means I’ll have to do a lot of work I won’t enjoy doing’

“Applying for that promotion means I might get rejected’

“A career change is going to require time and energy that I don’t have’

Our younger selves just look inside for what interests us.  We do not care what it might take to get to the desired end result.  

Our grown up brains are “more realistic” and we fear the possible obstacles, challenges, expenses, difficulties.

Saying “I don’t know” is a sneaky lie.  It gives our brain an excuse to remain in the status quo of not knowing.  It’s easier and more comfortable. Our brains like easy and comfortable. But, easy and comfortable won’t move us beyond what we have now.  

Do you have some “I don’t knows” you need to work through?   I can help. Click here to schedule a free 30-minute coaching session with me.    

(2 minute read time)

Think about the  leaders you know that have a welcoming demeanor and great relationships.  Now think about the ones that rule with an iron fist and use the stick way more than the carrot.  

What causes a leader to lead one way or the other?  Or even somewhere in between? What causes you to lead the way you do?

The answer is a simple, but not easy one.  It’s thoughts. Everything we do stems from our thoughts.  

Most of the time we all behave in way that we think will help us get something we do not yet have or allow us to keep something we do not want to lose.

It happens in nature all the time.  A toad will make itself look bigger in order to not get eaten by a predator.  There are birds who use false warning calls in order to keep food all to themselves.    

We can be like the toad thinking “Don’t harm me” or the bird thinking “That’s mine”.  And so we lash out. “Lash out” may look different for each of us – it may show up as anger, worry, frustration, self-pity, or self-doubt.  It may require an extra glass (or three) of wine at night. Or an extra cookie.

The bird and the frog are acting on instinct.  That works for them but, it does not always work for us.  It does not work for us because we often sense fear when we don’t need to.  Animals do not have the privilege of thinking about what they think about. We do.  

The trick is to have a great relationship with ourselves first.  Know ourselves, really know ourselves. Decide on purpose the kind of people we want to be.  Then decide the kind of leader we want to be and choose our actions with intention.

Where do you need to be more intentional today?

Do you want some help figuring that out?  Click here to schedule a free 30-minute coaching session with me.