Month: June 2019

Let’s face it, relationships can be tough.  Whether it is a personal or professional relationship, some people are just tough to deal with.  

Our employees don’t do what they are supposed to do.  Or they do it poorly or sloppily or they deliver on it late.  

Our family members make bad choices and it upsets us.    

Our friends and acquaintances don’t follow through on what they said they would do.  

Other people’s behaviors are only a “problem” for us when the behavior is out of alignment with our expectations.  

Take a moment and let that sink in.  

We usually don’t really care what people do as long as it does not violate our expectations.   

Many of us unknowingly have rule books, instructions, manuals for how other people SHOULD behave.  And when they do not comply, we get upset.  

The solution?  Ditch the manual.  

“Wait, Deneen, are you saying I should NOT have expectations of my employees?  My spouse? My family & friends?” 

Nope.  You can totally have these requests, expectations, and desires for how you want other people to behave.  At the same time your happiness, your emotional well-being is not dependent upon them fulfilling these expectations.  

You are always in charge of your own emotional well-being.  No one’s actions (or inaction) can make you feel anything. It’s always just your interpretation of their behavior that creates the feeling.  

Remember, in Part I we said all relationships exist only in our minds.  Relationships are just thoughts. Thoughts create feelings. So, if you want to know why you feel a certain way about any relationship just ask yourself what you think about the other person.  It will become very clear, very quickly, why you feel the way you do.    

Instead of letting someone else’s choices determine your emotional well being, try letting them just be who they are.  

Let them be late. 

Let them make poor choices. 

Let them turn in poor quality work.

Let them make commitments and not follow through.  

Let them be them. 

There’s about a 100% chance they are going to be themselves anyway.  

Hear me closely on this part:  This doesn’t mean you don’t respond at all or that there are no consequences.    

There’s a way to respond that keeps your emotional well-being in check AND allows the other person to behave as they wish.  It’s a win-win.     

Stay tuned for the next post where I will cover how to set and follow through on boundaries the right way, the effective way.  The way that gives you even more emotional freedom.      

Looking to set some relationships straight? I can definitely help, just click here to schedule a free, 30-minute discovery session.   

PS – If you missed Part I of this series, you definitely want to go back and check it out. 

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Relationships are all around us.  Some personal, some professional. Some easy, some not so easy.  And some of them are just plain hard.  

Because relationships are such a huge part of our lives I’m doing a 3-part series on them.  In this series, we will define what a relationship is, explore where the problems arise and what we can do to fix those issues.  

By the end of this series, you will have the tools to be able to transform any of those challenging relationships in minutes.  You’ll even improve the ones that are pretty darn good right now. Seriously, if you stick with me on these three posts you will be amazed.  

First, let’s start with defining relationships.  

I love the way Google defines the word relationship:  The way in which two or more people or groups regard and behave toward each other”

The verb “regard”, as it’s used in this context, is really just another word for “think about”.   So really, relationships are simply: “The way in which two or more people think about each other”. 

All relationships are just our thoughts about another person.  That’s it. 

For example, I have a best friend who is simply amazing.  I absolutely love her to pieces and I would do anything for her.  But, there are other people in this world who have a completely different relationship with her.  They don’t see her the same way I do.  

Why doesn’t everyone have an amazing relationship with this amazing woman?

Because their relationship with her really has nothing to do with her, it is all about what they think of her.        

This is amazing news.  It’s amazing because we always get to think whatever we want.  

I am not suggesting that we just simply think nice thoughts about other people and that fixes the problem.  We will talk about the actual fix in Part III. For now, just marinate on the idea that all a relationship consists of is your thoughts about another person.  Period.  

Don’t want to wait for Parts II & III to get to the fix for the challenging relationships in your life?  I can definitely help, just click here to schedule a free, 30-minute discovery session.   

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2019 is just about at the ½ way mark.

How does your progress on your goals stack up against the amount of time we have left in 2019?  Are you ahead of schedule? Behind?

Maybe you haven’t set a personal development goal for 2019 yet?  That’s ok too!

For many of us as leaders, we play a role in ensuring our team members have opportunities to grow and develop.  Still more of us overlook our own personal growth and development. We are so busy managing others we miss managing ourselves!  

Today’s post is a simple one.  Just a few questions for you to ask yourself and honestly answer.  

Am I living my life by default or by design?

What is my “busy-ness” leading me toward?  

How am I purposefully creating my future results?

Every single result you have today is the outcome of prior decisions.  

When we recognize that success is really just a series of decisions we become far more intentional about the decisions we are making.  

Take a moment today to breathe in the possibility that the career, the life, the dreams you have are all entirely possible.  All it takes is the belief that it is indeed possible coupled with a conscious decision to go after it.

Some of you might think the year is too far gone to set or achieve your goals.  It’s not. A lot can happen in 6 months.

You can decide right now what you will have accomplished by the end of the year.  

Decisions do not have to take a long time. In fact, the actual decision is made in an instant. It’s the deliberating on the decision that takes so long.     

The question is – have you decided?  I can definitely help, just click here to schedule a free, 30-minute discovery session.  

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Every year I make a trek back home to upstate New York for my annual family reunion. I love my family, I really do but I don’t exactly count this trip as a “ fun vacation”.  

Why?  Because, as much as I love them all, family dynamics can bring up stress.    

This year I firmly decided before I ever even left that this was going to be a stress and drama free trip.  

How can I possibly decide that it was going to be a good time when I had no idea what other people might do?  What if they do something annoying? What if they don’t do something they said they would do? What if they get all loud and weird?  

The fact of the matter is that it truly does not matter what they do or don’t do.  I have no control over that and I never will. (Nor do I want to!)

What really matters is what I do.  

This year, I just reminded myself that everyone gets to do whatever they want to do.  And, so do I.

As adults, we ALL get to choose to do whatever we want to do.  Even if it’s rude or unkind or embarrassing. Even if it’s illegal or immoral.  

People choose these things all the time.

My job is not to control anyone’s actions.  My only job is to choose my response.

Of course, I got the chance to test my conviction.  There was a moment where things did not go as I would’ve chosen.  In the past, I would have indulged in complaining about how awful it is/they are.  

Not this year.  Nope. I stuck to my conviction about everyone getting to do what they want and off I went to do what I wanted to do.  It was a beautiful day in upstate NY that day and I was not about to waste a moment of it. It turned out perfect.

It made me wonder, how many fun moments have I traded for lamenting other people’s choices?   

Probably too many.

The frustration that comes along with people not doing what we desire is certainly not limited to family reunions.  It happens in our workplaces, in our homes, where we volunteer, even where we shop and play and drive.

It’s incredibly freeing when you decide to let people do what they want.  Chances are they are going to do it whether you agree or not anyway.   

You give them freedom, you get freedom.  It’s a win-win.

Who in your life is keeping you from freedom?  I can definitely help, just click here to schedule a free, 30-minute discovery session.   

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There’s a secret behind every successful person that no one tells you.  But I’m going to share it:

Success comes from believing that you are already enough, that you are already worthy.

Believing that you are already 100% worthy and there is nothing more you could do to become more worthy actually creates success.  

Why is that?

Well, when we think the way we currently are is “not enough” we are essentially saying we are inadequate.  How much success comes from someone who feels inadequate? Not much.

Believing you are already enough, exactly as you are, requires having a good relationship with yourself.  

Most of us, despite the fact that we spend 24/7 with ourselves, do not have a great relationship with ourselves.  Instead, we criticize and judge ourselves harshly. Most of us would not be friends with someone who treats us the way we treat ourselves.  

When we attempt to reach a goal from that place the outlook is grim.   

When we attempt to reach a goal from a place of already being “enough” there’s a weight lifted, the pressure to perform well is released.  The stakes are not as high if I do not have to reach the goal in order to be worthy.

Now you might be saying “But wait, Deneen, what if I don’t believe that I am already enough, already worthy?”  

I’ll use a short story to explain.  Years ago I was looking for some replacement parts for a toy my nephew had.  They were just some small, plastic balls. I was expecting to find them on eBay for a few bucks.  Nope. The best price I could find for a few measly plastic balls was almost $30! I didn’t think they were worth that amount but my opinion did not change the fact that they clearly were.  

The same is true for you.  Your opinion of your worth (and your opinion of the worth of others as well) is just that – an opinion.  

Your opinion of yourself comes ONLY from you.  From your mind alone, nowhere else. It doesn’t even matter if someone else thinks your not worthy.  You could decide to believe them. Or you could just decide they are mistaken – just like I was mistaken about the worth of the plastic balls for my nephew’s toy.   

What’s your opinion of your self-worth?  Do you like it? Is it helping you reach your goals?  If not, no worries – you definitely aren’t alone and I can definitely help, just click here to schedule a free, 30-minute discovery session.   

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As much as it still shocks me to say it, I am definitely a morning person.  If a former high school teacher or college professor of mine happened to be reading this they would probably think I am lying.  And, they would be right because I wasn’t always this way. But, alas, those days of sleeping in are long gone and truly don’t have the same appeal anymore.    

In the mornings I most often feel excited about the day ahead. I look forward to helping my clients and doing what I planned to make my Moonshot Goals become reality.  

However…  that positive morning energy, it tends to run out. Can you relate?

Sometimes, well before the day is done, we lose our enthusiasm, drive, motivation.   

Why?

Well, on the surface, it can be easy to blame the events of the day:

• That talkative colleague stopped by and wasted an hour of your time
• The kids are sick
• I got a flat tire  
• My boss moved up the deadline   
• They hired someone external for the job I wanted

But, the truth is none of these things “drain energy”.  

Here’s what does.  

The thoughts we choose to think about these events, such as:     

• “He’s so inconsiderate and now I’m really behind schedule”
• “Why do they always get sick when I am in the middle of crunch time at work?”
• “Oh perfect, a flat tire, this is just my luck”
• “She’s delusional, who can get all this done in 2 weeks??”
• “I can’t believe they chose someone external!  They don’t care about loyalty”

These initial reactions are perfectly normal.  At the same time, if you can read this then you also have a superpower you just might not be leveraging.  

The power of observation.   

As humans, we are unique in that we can think about what we think about.  It requires noticing and observing the thoughts that pop up. Then, without judgment, just decide if that thought is moving you closer to or further away from the kind of day you want to be having.  

The good you mood you had came from the same place the not-so-good mood came from.   If you want positive emotion you can actually create it – with your mind. I can definitely help, just click here to schedule a free, 30-minute discovery session

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She’d had enough.  

She had been working towards getting promoted for weeks.  

Her best efforts weren’t working.  

“I’ve been trying so hard!  Scouring the job boards. Updating my resume to align with each job description. Networking events multiple times a week.  I was at least getting some bites although nothing great. Now, all of a sudden, for no reason I’m not even getting rejection emails”

She added things like:

“I knew I couldn’t get promoted past my current level”

“Every time I try to go for something big, the universe tells me not to.  I should’ve just listened in the first place”

“There’s nothing else I can do, it’s not worth it anymore”

Have you been there?  Even if it wasn’t for a promotion but for some other goal?  

I know I sure have.  And then, I tend to throw the baby out with the bathwater and say something like “Why does EVERYTHING have to be so hard?”

But let’s take a step back.  

No email responses from potential employers in the past 4 days…..

Does it really mean you are never going to get promoted?  You should have never tried? That there are no other means available?  That life as a whole is just really hard

Nope.  Not unless you want to make it mean those things.

You see, you get to make crickets from potential employers mean anything you want to.  You can make it mean that you should have never tried or you can make it mean that you are still on the path to the perfect job.  And, you can decide there’s nothing wrong with still being on the path. Being on the path is not worse than being in a new job.  They’re both just neutral.

Sure, a vent sesh feels like a much needed release now and again.  

But usually, venting is not problem solving.  

Vent if you want.  But, vent quickly.

When you get done venting switch yourself back into intentional thinking.  

Start showing up as the person who already has your desired result. Then, watch it come faster than you can say:  

“I knew I could do it!”

Ready to switch from venting to truly problem-solving?  I can definitely help, just click here to schedule a free, 30-minute discovery session