How to transform any relationship in minutes: Part III

(3-minute read time)

In this final post about transforming relationships, we’re going to look at an actual fix for those challenging relationships. 

First, let’s recap Part I & Part II real quick: 

• All relationships are just thoughts

• It is not other people’s behavior that causes the problems, it is our manuals for how other people “should” behave 

Even if we just left it at that, and you really actually applied these concepts – you will feel some relief in those challenging relationships.  But wait, there’s more!  

Let’s start off with an intentionally over-simplified, hypothetical scenario.  You have an employee who was late for the staff meeting again. You have already spoken to her twice and offered coaching, direction & support.  

Naturally, you probably have an expectation that your two conversations were enough and going forward she SHOULD be on time to the meetings.  

And then she was late.  Again.  

Boom.  Unmet expectation.  Unfollowed manual.  

How do we respond?  

Typically, many of us just find someone to vent about it with.  Then maybe we have a third, super-frustrated conversation with our team member.  (Which by the way does not motivate her at all).

What gives?  How on earth do we make someone do what they are “supposed to do”?

We don’t.  

The best option is to place healthy boundaries.  That term, “boundaries” gets thrown around a lot yet few people do this well.  Most people think boundaries involve telling other people what they can and can not do.  That’s the furthest thing from the truth.  

A boundary, done well, always allows the other person to choose to do as they wish and focuses mainly on your response to their choice.

Here’s an example for that team member who has not been making it on time to the staff meeting: “If you are late to the meeting again, I will move to the next step in corrective action and a formal write up will be placed in your file”.  

In this scenario, your employee can come to the meeting late again if she chooses to.   

Disclaimer: Employee issues are often far more intricate than being late to a meeting.  As I mentioned, I intentionally over-simplified the scenario. The reason I did so is to let you focus on the mechanics of how a boundary works.  The key takeaways are that:

• Boundaries should be delivered in an emotionally healthy and mature way.  Translation: Don’t share the boundary when you are mad. On a related note, in some cases you do not need to share the boundary at all – you can just follow through.  

• The other person gets to choose how to live their life, and no matter what they choose it does NOT determine your emotional well-being.  You are always in charge of that.

• You must be prepared to follow through on the boundary  

This works in our personal relationships too!  

Let’s say your child has been refusing to clean his/her room.  Or your spouse keeps working late. You could demand compliance, which usually involves a lot of unnecessary negative emotion.  

Or you can calmly set a boundary: 

“If you aren’t going to clean your room today I am going to ________”.  

“If you are going to be working past 6 pm, I am going to _______” 

Notice how the other person still gets to do as they wish?  We don’t have to control them. We just have to control ourselves.  

Controlling ourselves here means actually following through on the boundary we set and retaining emotional well-being in the process.  Maybe you can use some help with that? Just click here to schedule time to chat with me!