Author: Deneen Kipp

(Less than 3 minute read time)

Thanksgiving is upon us once again.  We know we are supposed to feel and express our gratitude in this season, but as I sit down to write this I’m acutely aware that so many are struggling with loss.  

Around the globe, people are dealing with loss.  Loss of “normalcy”, loss of work, loss of health, or the loss of a loved one.  Whatever loss looks like, most of us have experienced some form of it this year.  

How are we supposed to be grateful with so much loss all around?

1. Drop the should – If we are only trying to be grateful because we think we are “supposed to” or we “should” it becomes about “checking the box” versus expressing and experiencing genuine appreciation.  If you are going to spend any time being grateful, do it because you actually want to – not because you are fulfilling some imaginary requirement.  

2. Grow your “want to” –  Tip #1 doesn’t mean that those of us who aren’t feeling exceptionally grateful right now should just drop it and move on.  Instead, consider if you even want gratitude?  Consider the benefits…  Studies show that gratitude has numerous benefits.  It releases our “happy chemicals” – serotonin and dopamine.  Gratitude sparks brain activity that supports sleep, metabolism,  and higher cognitive function.  It increases our immune systems as well as our mental resilience (two especially important benefits during a pandemic).  Even if it’s hard to be grateful right now that’s ok – can you allow yourself to move an inch closer to it by acknowledging the benefits and becoming willing to want them?     

3. Allow the opposite to also be true – Choosing gratitude does not mean we deny reality.  It does not mean that the challenging negative parts of our lives are to be stuffed and ignored.  While it is impossible to feel grateful AND a competing negative emotion simultaneously, this does not mean we shelf the negative permanently.  Instead, we can pursue gratitude AND make space for processing the other emotions that are a part of being a human on the planet. 

4. Make it fun – This year we’re doing a gratitude wall.  We got colored paper circles and each day we’d put up a new circle representing something we’re grateful for.  This fun, bright, visual reminder has helped keep gratitude within reach all month long.  

Need a hand finding genuine gratitude?  The real deal, not the fluff stuff?  I can definitely help.  Click here to chat!  

(Less than 2-minute read time)

Make a career change.  Ask for a raise.  Stop an unhealthy habit.  Try online dating.  

These are a few things clients have shared they WANT to do, but delayed taking action on.  They’re uncertain about how it will go.  They fear the worst.   In short, they lack confidence.

“I just have low self-confidence” they’ll report. As if self-confidence were a genetic trait like eye color or height.  

Self-confidence is a feeling, an emotion.  Not a fixed trait.  

It’s also not a required ingredient to move forward towards our hopes and dreams.  But, it sure is nice to have.  So, how does one go about getting more of it?

Self-confidence, like all feelings, comes from our Thoughts.  If we spend our time thinking about how awful a new endeavor could turn out, then of course we aren’t going to feel very confident.

Instead, try on Thoughts that create self-confidence instead of eroding it.  This is not to suggest we lie to ourselves and try to believe everything will be rainbows and daisies.  

True self-confidence is not even about the outcome of whatever we are trying to accomplish.  It’s not about getting it “right”.  

Genuine self-confidence is about having a solid, trusting relationship with yourself.  The kind of relationship where it’s ok to make mistakes.  Where we respond to the outcome, successful or not, with kindness, not criticism.  The kind where we don’t make a failed attempt mean anything more than just that – a failed attempt.     

Self-confidence is knowing I have my own back, no matter how things turn out.   

If you wonder if that level of self-confidence is even possible for you, I challenge you to go back in time and find evidence.  What are all of your accomplishments big and small?  When have you gone after something you didn’t know how to do and completed it?  What have you become great at over the years?  

When we take time to locate past self-confidence we can leverage that to create more.  There’s literally an unlimited supply available to you.  Need a hand finding yours?  I can definitely help.  Click here to chat! 

(Less than 2-minute read time)

Last week I talked about feeling all the feels of life – especially when they don’t feel so good.  

“Hey client, go feel the ickiness of life for a while, and then we’ll talk about how it went” is never an easy sell.  However, the ones who are willing to try it experience exponential growth, fulfill their goals, and surprise the heck out of themselves with what they are capable of.   

Author Samuel R. Chand makes a compelling case for us all to reconsider our view of change and what it takes to make it happen.   

In order to grow, we must change.  A seed can’t stay a seed AND become a flower, it must change to grow.  Growth = Change. 

Change is something we often SAY we want, but we forget that it almost always involves loss.  

When we say yes to one thing, we say no to another.  Saying “Yes” to a healthy lifestyle may mean saying “No” to the cupcake, drink, or snooze button.  Saying “Yes” to a career change or pursuing education may mean saying “No” to Netflix or free time on weekends and evenings.  Change = Loss.  

Loss is not something we tend to pursue.  It’s uncomfortable, often painful.  Loss = Pain.  

Let’s recap. 

Growth = Change

Change = Loss

Loss = Pain 

Therefore, Growth = Pain.

In short, if we are going to have the kind of future we truly want, it’s going to involve some level of discomfort.  As my coach Brooke Castillo says: 

“Discomfort is the currency to your dreams”.  

Want to go make some dreams happen?  It’s a drastically different experience when you have another brain that’s NOT experiencing the same pain to help you along the journey.  I’ve got one of those and I can definitely help.  Click here to chat!

(Less than 2-minute read time)

I like to start my day by taking time to set the tone.  I have quiet time and set my intention for the day.  I choose something that feels good and will fuel whatever I have scheduled.  And then life happens… 

I’ll cross paths with grumpy people.  Something unexpected happens – an illness, injury, car problem, house repair, or work problem.  I’ll stub my toe and spill my coffee.   Sometimes it’s several of these things.   

That positive intention I once had crumbles faster than a Nature Valley granola bar.  And I find myself feeling frustrated, annoyed, irritated.  Often I become severely distracted if not completely demotivated.

How the heck are we supposed to be positive when there’s crud going on all around us?

We’re not.  

It’s not about being positive.  It’s about being authentic.  

Toxic positivity is an actual thing.  It’s the pressure to “look on the bright side” or “just be grateful”, instead of allowing ourselves to actually experience anything as negative.  The problem is we DO have negative emotions and denying them or feeling bad about having them only makes something that already feels bad, feel even worse.  

So, stop trying to be happy or positive all of the time.  None of us were wired that way.  

Start being ok with not being ok.  Allow yourself to feel what you ARE feeling even if it’s undesirable and uncomfortable.  

Because here’s the thing – avoiding negative emotion is also uncomfortable.  Not to mention ineffective.  As Brene Brown said, “We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions”. 

Positive AND negative emotions are a part of the human experience.  Most of us prefer the positive and in doing so we actually end with more of the very thing we’re trying to avoid.  Could you use a hand being ok with not being ok?  I can definitely help.  Click here to chat! 

(Under 2 minute read time)

Whirlwind, overwhelming, stressful, chaotic… All have been commonly used to describe 2020 along with the plans we once had for it.

With just 2 months left in this year, many of us are clamoring for the hope of the New Year.  But what if we didn’t have to wait for things to get better?

What if I told you that you have everything you need to start turning the table right now?  Would you go for it?

Because here’s the thing… You really do already have everything you need.  

It’s not a stretch to see the connection between what we DO and the results we have.  Any result we have or want to have in life comes from action.  

But often, with the way we’re feeling, action towards the desired result isn’t just going to happen magically.  

Actions are driven by the way we feel.  When we feel awful, our actions (or inaction) reflect that inner ick.  

That begs the question, where does the ick come from?

Us.  Our very own brains are creating the ick.  It’s all a result of our thinking.  

Not the pandemic.  Not our boss.  Not our spouse.  Not homeschooling.  Not the economy or the election.          

Thoughts create Feelings which drive Action and ultimately determine our Results.  

This is great news because you have full control over all three of these things – your Thoughts, Feelings, and Actions.  This means you can create any Results you want.

What thoughts are you thinking?

What feelings are they creating?

What actions do you take when you feel this way?

The answers to these questions will clearly explain why you have the results you have. Not so ironically, it’s the answers to these very same questions that can bring you a fresh start any day of the year.  

Give these questions some genuine attention. Take responsibility for areas where you DO have control.  Stop wishing it were different and let’s go make it different.  Need a hand?  I can definitely help.  Click here to chat!

(2 minute read time)

I’ve been loving watching my hometown team, the Rays, in the playoffs.  It’s been so great having a baseball game every night these days!  

This year though, I really got to thinking more about the mental aspect of the game.  For sure baseball already requires a high level of skill both physically and mentally.  And, whether you’re a baseball fan or not the mental fortitude these players demonstrate is admirable.  I’ll prove it to you.    

Think about this, MOST of the time hitters fail.  On average, hits happen only 25% of the time. 

What if you knew MOST of the time you did something you routinely do, it was not going to end up the way you’d like?

Studies have shown that mathematically it’s highly unlikely a player should ever be able to hit the ball.  Hitters only have about ¼ of a second to decide, because in the amount of time it takes to blink – the ball has crossed the plate.      

There’s already limited time and a limited chance of success.  Now, let’s add in the pressure of the playoffs.  A championship title on the line and perhaps future career moves are at stake.  What’s a player to do?

They need to do the same thing you or I need to do when we feel like our backs are up against the wall.  When it feels like there’s little chance we’ll get a hit.  Or it feels like there’s no time to figure out the best move.   And when it feels like getting it right is crucial to your future.        

What we need to do is decide…  

Decide that the last at-bat doesn’t matter.  Past failure only means something right now if we let it.  

Decide that you have the exact amount of time you need.  Wishing you had more time only takes up time, get to work – give it what you got for the amount of time you got. Negotiate for more time when it’s truly necessary, otherwise, just give it your best.         

Decide that getting it right doesn’t always look the way we imagined.  It’s better to get struck out swinging than looking.  It’s still a strikeout but you showed up for the occasion and sometimes just showing up IS getting it right my friends.          

It’s not just athletes who need coaching, we all do. I can definitely help.  Click here to chat!  

(2-minute read time)

When’s the last time you were infuriated?  I mean the kinda PO’d where you might just bite your tongue off if you tried to bite it at all…  

Often this happens when life is already feeling busy, stressful, overwhelming.  Then something happens and it’s like a rotten cherry atop a crapola sundae.  

Like the day we had a huge project going on at work, I was running late, and I also had to pick up a friend before heading into the office.  In my hurry to pick her up I left my wallet at home.  I also failed to notice other important details – like how fast I was driving and that there was a police officer who was very much in tune with how fast people were driving.  

That day I ended up getting in to work later than late due to spending extra time waiting for the officer to write me not 1, but 2 tickets –  one for speeding and another for not having my license with me. 

Once I was finally at the office, the project we were working on went off the rails and we had to navigate some significant challenges and setbacks. 

To top it off, when I got home that day and shared what happened with the officer that morning, the response I got was “Well, you shouldn’t have agreed to pick her up”.  

I. Was. Furious. 

It was already a bad day, I did not need that unhelpful remark.  And yet, there it was.  

In moments like these, it can feel like the universe is conspiring against us.  It feels as though if there’s a chance for something to go wrong, it most definitely will.  Then to add to the misery, everyone around us seems to be exceptionally good at irritating the heck out of us.

It’s inevitable that we will have trying days.  And while we can’t always prevent that, we can prevent ourselves from making things even worse.

Our ability to respond – our “response-ability” – is driven by our emotions.  The actions we take and the words we speak (and then often later wish we hadn’t) – are all driven by those same emotions.  

In short, when we feel well we respond well.  

When we feel awful we respond awfully. 

A moment of venting might feel great for an instant.  But, done in the wrong venue out of the wrong emotion, it just adds to the overall drama.  As Craig Groeschel says “When emotions are high, wisdom is low”.  

Emotions come from our Thoughts. If you want to increase your “response-ability” choose BELIEVABLE thought that will deliver the emotions you need to respond the way your true-self wants to.

Need some help getting a handle on your “response-ability”?  I can definitely help.  Click here to chat!  

(Under 2-minute read time)

Just the phrase “self-discipline” can conjure up feelings of discomfort and deprivation.  

But, what if it doesn’t have to be that way?  What if it were possible to do the “right” things and avoid the “wrong” things without the pain?

Exercise, eat healthy foods, drink less, be more productive, have healthy relationships – these are common things I hear my clients tell me they want.    

Wanting just isn’t enough to accomplish these things with any regularity though.  Why? 

Because our starting point is usually not a good one.  Our starting point is often one that starts with a “should”…

I should get up earlier in the morning.  

I should exercise more.  

I should eat better.  

I should drink less.  

We often attempt to change our behavior through willpower.  We muster up a desire to do what we “should” do and deny ourselves what “feels good”.  And it never, ever lasts.  

When we approach things from the place of “should” we set ourselves up for shame when we fail.  

Alternatively, consider the idea of replacing “should” with “it feels good to”….

It feels good when I get a jump start on my day.    

It feels good after I exercise.  

It feels good when I eat healthy foods.  

It feels good when I drink less. 

Drop the idea that you “should”.  No, this does not mean that behavior change will be completely without challenge.  But it does give those challenges a purpose that serves you instead of threatening to devalue your worth.  

Need a hand?  I can definitely help.  Click here to chat!  

(2 minute read time)

Several years ago my best friend was in the middle of an ugly divorce (not sure “pretty” ones exist, but this one was rather ugly).  Since I’m her ally, her soon-to-be-ex was not a big fan of mine and he made that very clear.      

We got through that tough time, her ex moved away, and all was well.  Nary a thought about this man passed my mind most days over the course of almost a couple of decades.  And then, we had a reason to be in the same place.  

Have you ever been there?  In the same room with someone you are pretty sure does not like you – possibly even hates you?  

It could easily have been super awkward and uncomfortable.  I could have easily been wrapped up in the idea that this person dislikes me.

But, that’s not what happened.  

Instead, I was able to just be me and enjoy the event.  

What the what??  How did that happen??  

Here’s how… In the years following their divorce, I’ve come to challenge some myths about what other people think.  In doing so, I’ve gained invaluable insights that have freed me from the chains of people’s perception of me.

There are two main concepts to grab a hold of if you are wrestling with someone else’s opinion of you:

• Your opinion of yourself matters way more than anyone else’s – Having a well-established perception of yourself creates a filter.   This filter allows you to sift out any unnecessary, unhelpful, and/or inaccurate opinions from those around us.   

• Other people’s opinions are theirs, all theirs – Opinions are just sentences in our minds and we all have them.  Opinions are not facts and they only become meaningful if we choose to make them mean something (aka – we believe their  opinion is true and/or a problem).  In short, we get to have an opinion on the merit or value of other people’s opinions.  It’s never a given.  

If someone has a less than stellar opinion of you it does not mean anything has gone wrong.  It just means the other person had a thought about you.  Now, the ball is in your court, what do you want to do with that thought they had? 

It’s your choice.  I hope you choose in a way that moves you forward.  Need a hand?  I can definitely help.  Click here to chat! 

(<2 minute read time)

I am a complete novice at kayaking.  

Yet, somehow this never occurred to me as a problem when I climbed into a single person kayak and departed on a 5 1/2 mile tour down the Weeki Wachee.  

No instructions other than “Have fun!” were given to me as they shoved me and my rented kayak into the gorgeous, crystal clear spring.  

I was a little nervous at first.  Unsure of how to steer and grateful for the current that led me downstream.   

But that current I was initially so grateful for soon became a problem.  

The Weeki Wachee, if you’ve never been on it, is mostly shallow but also has some deep spots.  Mostly calm, but also has some surprisingly strong currents.  Mostly beautiful and enjoyable, but scary as heck when a fellow boater or tree is coming at you in the opposite direction and the current is taking you right towards catastrophe!   

This scenario of being led by the current into the pathway of oncoming traffic and/or trees happened several times throughout the tour.  

After a couple of these incidents, I started to pay closer attention.  

What I noticed was no surprise…  

When I was feeling tense and fearful about navigating the traffic, I did MUCH worse.  (As evidenced by the branches, leaves, and sticks that piled up on the back of my kayak from my failures).  

When I was feeling calm and capable the currents were no match for my confidence.  I smoothly negotiated the current, trees, and traffic as if I’d done it a million times before.  

Here’s the thing, I had no right, no evidence from my past to help me feel capable, calm, confident.  Remember, I am a novice kayaker at best.  Yet, I was still able to create those feelings.  I was still able to be successful.    

We need not have experience to be successful.  We just need to believe we can be successful.  Need a hand?  I can definitely help.  Click here to chat!