(5 minute read time)
I’m willing to bet you have had a challenging person in your life recently. Whether it’s a colleague, a neighbor, a family member, your boss, or the maniac driver who cuts you off and then gives you half of a peace sign as if it was your fault – we all cross paths with challenging people. Today we carry on with Part II of “Eight great ways to handle the challenging people in your life”. If you missed Part I or need a refresher, you can find the first 4 Tips here.
Now, onto the next 4 Tips…
Tip #5: Set boundaries – Boundaries are something we frequently get all wrong. We think it’s about the other person. It’s not. It’s about you and what you will do if the other person decides to behave in a way you’d rather they not. An example might be the language or tone of voice someone uses around you. Let’s say you don’t want your partner to yell at you. Often we will raise our own voices in an effort to get what we want and we end up doing the very thing we don’t want from them. Then we further exacerbate the problem by blaming them for our response – “Well, if he didn’t… then I wouldn’t….”. This line of thinking prevents us from emotional maturity and being in control of our own behavior. It delegates responsibility to the other person. Other people are never in charge of how you think and feel. Which is great news, because you can’t be held responsible for the way they think or feel either.
So what gives? How can we possibly escape the chaos without contributing to it? You can tell them not to yell, but if it’s their habit they’re probably going to yell anyway. So, instead, try to set a boundary that defines what YOU will do in response to the undesired behavior. For example, if my partner yells at me I am going to tell him we can continue the conversation later and I’ll head out to take a walk. He still gets to yell and I get to choose to not participate.
Tip #6: Don’t take the offered offense – When I “take offense” to something someone says or does, that “taking” is an action I took. The other person did not install the feeling of “offended” inside of me. I am not their victim, I am not without choice. I reached out and took it, picked up the offense, and made it mine.
You always get to decide if there’s any validity to what was said about you. You get to decide what to make those words mean. Brooke Castillo often uses the example of blue hair. If someone came up to you and told you they hated your blue hair would you be offended? If you don’t have blue hair you would not be offended. You would know they are wrong and maybe even think they’re a little crazy. The thing that creates the hurt is believing the insult they offered. (PS – if there some truth to it, see tip #3 again).
Tip #7: Get Curious – Often, we have ourselves believing so strongly that the other person is just a jerk as if it were a fact. We now know that’s not a fact because chances are someone (maybe even lots of someones) in that person’s life thinks they’re great. So then, why are they acting the way they are? When we get genuinely curious about where the other person is coming from we have to drop any story about their negative intent. We open our minds to other possibilities, which calms our brain a bit and we can begin to relate, at least on a mental level, with even the most difficult of people.
Ask questions and listen with the intent to understand the other person’s perspective, NOT for what you’ll say next. Studies have shown we aren’t great at this – we typically listen for no longer than 17 seconds before interrupting. This means we stopped listening well before that in order to form the words we’d use to interrupt. We want other people to understand where we are coming from, right? How about we give lots of that away and see what happens.
When we dominate in the listening department we gain valuable information about what’s going on in the other person’s mind which helps explain why they are behaving the way they are. Listening doesn’t mean you agree with or condone the other person’s beliefs, but at a minimum, you will have a much better understanding – and that can go a long way.
Tip #8: Decide – I know you probably have gobs of evidence that he/she is a total jerk. But your evidence here only serves to keep you stuck in a challenged relationship. Consider how you feel and how you behave when you allow yourself to believe he or she is a jerk. Does it lead you to respond in a way that feels good, true, and authentic? Does it have you showing up the way you want to in your life? Most of us are very clear on how we think the other person should behave but are you clear on how you want to behave? Who do you want to be, how do you want to respond when other people aren’t doing as you’d like? Decide how you want to be beforehand – is it arguing back, blaming, pointing fingers? Or, would you prefer to be kind, calm, collected? No one but you gets to decide that.
Bonus tip #8B: Self-care – for my clients that are all-in on taking care of themselves – physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually these 8 tips are a whole lot easier to employ. We simply cannot pour from an empty pitcher. When’s the last time you made self-care a priority? It isn’t selfish, in fact, it’s probably one of the most generous things you can do for yourself and the relationships in your life.
I know that in the heat of a situation where we’ve been triggered it can feel rather difficult to employ these tools. I can definitely help make that easier for you. Just click here to set up some time to chat.