Month: September 2020

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Several years ago my best friend was in the middle of an ugly divorce (not sure “pretty” ones exist, but this one was rather ugly).  Since I’m her ally, her soon-to-be-ex was not a big fan of mine and he made that very clear.      

We got through that tough time, her ex moved away, and all was well.  Nary a thought about this man passed my mind most days over the course of almost a couple of decades.  And then, we had a reason to be in the same place.  

Have you ever been there?  In the same room with someone you are pretty sure does not like you – possibly even hates you?  

It could easily have been super awkward and uncomfortable.  I could have easily been wrapped up in the idea that this person dislikes me.

But, that’s not what happened.  

Instead, I was able to just be me and enjoy the event.  

What the what??  How did that happen??  

Here’s how… In the years following their divorce, I’ve come to challenge some myths about what other people think.  In doing so, I’ve gained invaluable insights that have freed me from the chains of people’s perception of me.

There are two main concepts to grab a hold of if you are wrestling with someone else’s opinion of you:

• Your opinion of yourself matters way more than anyone else’s – Having a well-established perception of yourself creates a filter.   This filter allows you to sift out any unnecessary, unhelpful, and/or inaccurate opinions from those around us.   

• Other people’s opinions are theirs, all theirs – Opinions are just sentences in our minds and we all have them.  Opinions are not facts and they only become meaningful if we choose to make them mean something (aka – we believe their  opinion is true and/or a problem).  In short, we get to have an opinion on the merit or value of other people’s opinions.  It’s never a given.  

If someone has a less than stellar opinion of you it does not mean anything has gone wrong.  It just means the other person had a thought about you.  Now, the ball is in your court, what do you want to do with that thought they had? 

It’s your choice.  I hope you choose in a way that moves you forward.  Need a hand?  I can definitely help.  Click here to chat! 

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I am a complete novice at kayaking.  

Yet, somehow this never occurred to me as a problem when I climbed into a single person kayak and departed on a 5 1/2 mile tour down the Weeki Wachee.  

No instructions other than “Have fun!” were given to me as they shoved me and my rented kayak into the gorgeous, crystal clear spring.  

I was a little nervous at first.  Unsure of how to steer and grateful for the current that led me downstream.   

But that current I was initially so grateful for soon became a problem.  

The Weeki Wachee, if you’ve never been on it, is mostly shallow but also has some deep spots.  Mostly calm, but also has some surprisingly strong currents.  Mostly beautiful and enjoyable, but scary as heck when a fellow boater or tree is coming at you in the opposite direction and the current is taking you right towards catastrophe!   

This scenario of being led by the current into the pathway of oncoming traffic and/or trees happened several times throughout the tour.  

After a couple of these incidents, I started to pay closer attention.  

What I noticed was no surprise…  

When I was feeling tense and fearful about navigating the traffic, I did MUCH worse.  (As evidenced by the branches, leaves, and sticks that piled up on the back of my kayak from my failures).  

When I was feeling calm and capable the currents were no match for my confidence.  I smoothly negotiated the current, trees, and traffic as if I’d done it a million times before.  

Here’s the thing, I had no right, no evidence from my past to help me feel capable, calm, confident.  Remember, I am a novice kayaker at best.  Yet, I was still able to create those feelings.  I was still able to be successful.    

We need not have experience to be successful.  We just need to believe we can be successful.  Need a hand?  I can definitely help.  Click here to chat!

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Think back to New Year’s Day 2020.  What did you anticipate this year would be like?  

Most, if not all, of us aren’t living life as we envisioned back then.  Things didn’t go as we planned.   

Our circumstances are different than we imagined.  For many of us, the gap between what we anticipated and our actual reality can feel frustrating, frightening, even depressing.    

Despite the gap, we do not have to settle into believing this year is a lost cause.  Yet, many of us have done just that.  We’ve all been hearing versions of “I can’t wait for 2020 to be over” for the last 6 months.  

Why?  Why do we want this year over and done with?

Because we think it’s hard.  

And the truth is, it IS hard for many people.  Lives have been tragically lost.  Businesses have closed.  Many jobs have changed significantly, and others have been eliminated altogether.  Parenting has changed.  Basic essentials have been tough to find.  Having a sense of safety and security may seem elusive.      

So what are we to do when life is just plain hard?  

Most often I see one of two responses…

1. Give up – May sound something like “It’s just not a good year, there’s not much I can do”  
2. Grin and bear it – We try to act like it’s ok when really we feel awful.  This never works effectively or for very long.      

I want to offer a third option. 

Allow it.  

Let it be hard and simultaneously, do what you know needs to be done.  We are not supposed to feel happy all of the time.  In fact, it’s in these most challenging times we experience the most growth.     

Need a hand making the best of the rest of 2020?   I can definitely help.  Click here to chat! 

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You matter. 

You are worthy.  

You are lovable.  

Exactly the way you are.  

You don’t have to be better, smarter, thinner, faster, stronger, richer, or any different than the person you are right now.   The person you are right now is enough.    

What if we actually, really, truly believed those words about ourselves?  What if we did not allow the opinions of others to impact our self-worth?  What if we did not let our own negative self-talk erode our self-worth?

What do you think you could create in your life from that place?  

Some people argue that if they believe themselves to be enough as they are right now, then they won’t have any desire to change for the better.  They ask me: “If I’ve already ‘arrived’, what more is there to do?” or “What if I become complacent?”?  

I don’t think we ever “arrive”.  There will always be gaps between where we are and where we’d like to be.   There is always opportunity for growth and evolution in our lives.    

This leaves up with 2 options… 

1. Approach the gaps in our lives with the belief that we are (or possibly could be) “good enough” 
2. Approach the gaps in our lives with the belief that we are not “good enough”

Try them both on.  Which feels better?  Which do you think will get you better results?
Could you use a hand getting to the place where you believe #1?  I can definitely help.  Just click here and we’ll chat – and it won’t feel anything like Daily Affirmations with Stuart Smalley – I promise.