Month: October 2019

(2-minute read time)

She’s passed on, but I can still hear my grandmother saying “You were given two ears and one mouth for a reason”.  

Anyone else besides me received that nugget of wisdom from someone in their youth?   

It suggests that we should use our ears and mouth in proportion.  Listen more, talk less.  

I agree with the idea that the skill of listening, truly actively listening, is a crucial skill.  One that is essential in all of our relationships – both personally and professionally. It’s a skill that makes a good partner and even better partner, a good friend and even better friend, and a good leader even better leader.

At the same time, I want to offer a reason we should flip this conventional wisdom on its head and do the exact opposite.  I want to give you a reason to talk more and listen less. Daily.

It’s in conversation with ourselves.  

Conscious or not, there’s a narrative going on in your mind.  Your brain is always talking to you.  

It’s often telling you about all of the things that are wrong with you, your career, your relationships, other people, the world.  It’s pointing to the scarcity around you as evidence that these “observations” are “true”. It will tell you there’s not enough – time, money, energy.  It will tell you that you are not enough.  

Brains do this, they’re just trying to protect us.  It’s ok. Nothing has gone wrong.  

Here’s where you have a choice.  You can listen to what it’s offering up and roll with that.  Or, you can talk back to it.  

If we just listen to the original narrative without engaging in a conversation, we succumb to limiting beliefs about ourselves and others.  Our brains need management, direction, and instruction. Here’s a perfect opportunity to flip the script of talking more v. listening more. 

Taking charge of our thoughts & beliefs can be easier said than done.  Without it though, I assure you what’s going on “up there” will always express itself in your results. Perhaps you can use a hand in managing it all? I can definitely help. Click here to chat!  

(<3-minute read time)

It’s not a new idea that if we resist our circumstances we make them more difficult.  We also have known for a long time that once we accept what is we’re well on our way to managing it.  

And yet, when something disturbing happens we don’t jump right to acceptance do we?  

I sure didn’t when I was recently taken aback by a conversation with a random patron at a restaurant.     

I was just sitting there having some dinner, doing some work when another patron sat nearby.  We chatted amiably for a while. And then “it” happened…   

Comments that were so wildly racist they bear no repeating.

I responded kindly and simply stated that was my experiences were completely different.    

He countered with more of the same racist remarks and assured me over time I would come to see it his way.   

I about choked.  I couldn’t eat anymore.  I just got my check, politely said good-bye to him and left.

I spent a lot of time thinking about this afterward.   I felt so many different emotions – anger, sadness, hatred, disappointment, embarrassment, regret.  

Even though these were my natural responses, I know that I don’t have to keep those.  I know I can always choose.  

With the power of choice in hand, I asked myself how do I really want to respond to this?

It was a defining moment, one that as leaders we probably face more often than we realize.     

What I decided is that I do not want to hate this guy for hating other people.  That kind of response just does not make sense. What would it solve?  

If we hate the hate then we are inevitably adding more hate in the world.

People will argue with me on this.  They say: “But Deneen, you have to stand up for what you believe in!” My answer is that standing up for what we believe in doesn’t have to involve anger or hatred.    

Standing up for what we believe in doesn’t necessarily mean being AGAINST anything. 

In the case of my racist restaurant guy, I am not AGAINST him or his beliefs.  Instead, I am FOR him finding peace, love, and acceptance. It’s not too different from the idea of increasing your influence by focusing on what you DO want from them instead of focusing on what you DON’T want.  Note: This may be a good time to take 2-minutes to revisit my Elephants & Influence post on this very subject.     

Need a hand finding a way to be FOR the challenges, obstacles, people and situations in your life?  I can definitely help. Click here to schedule time to chat! Don’t delay – 2019 dates are going fast!

(3-minute read time) 

I’ve been working with a client who is dealing with her organization being acquired.  Some employees at the company are excited, some are apprehensive.

Those that are feeling somewhat concerned are imagining a new work life that is a downgrade in some way.  Most of them can’t even quite put their finger on a specific concern, it’s more of a general angst that this new company won’t be as good as what they have today. If they could have their druthers, they’d keep everything as it was.  

Have you ever been there?   You know the place, the place where the evil you do know is better than the evil you don’t… In this place, the most desirable thing is consistency and you find yourself wishing that the thing that’s happening wasn’t happening.

As she and I worked together I was reminded of the Thought Ladder.  It’s an awesome tool and one of my most popular blog posts.  It’s been a while since I wrote about it, so I thought I would share some tips I’ve picked up since then.    

I won’t repeat the original details, so if you missed it you’ll have to go back and learn the basics by visiting my original post here.  For the rest of us, here are some Thought Ladder 2.0 tips… 

As a reminder, the bottom rung is the thought you desire to change.  It’s the current thought that isn’t serving you. Even if feels true, even if you are right about it, keeping it has no upside. 

The top rung is the thought you would like to believe one day.  It should feel ridiculously far-fetched and unbelievable at this point.  If you are not sure what to put here, you can always just put the opposite of the bottom rung thought.   

The rungs in between are where most of my clients struggle.  How do I come up with something believable??  

• Seek neutrality… Make your statement about the situation as factual and emotionless as possible.  For example, “X company purchased Y company”

• Depersonalize…  “Leaders move to other organizations”  is much more palatable for some than “My favorite boss bolted, maybe I should too”.  On a similar note, another client of mine has had success with this at home by changing her thought about her toddler from “He’s vindictive” to “Kids make messes sometimes”.      

• Slow down, stop trying so hard….  Many of my clients just want to leap to the desired thought.  The goal is just one baby step above the previous thought. It might feel minuscule, but progress is the goal – not perfection.  It doesn’t have to be an amazing thought, it just has to be better.   

• Practice, practice, practice…   Often we just want to move through life, and up the ladder – FAST!  However, the best way to make that happen is to welcome the opportunity to practice the thought on the next rung up.  Stop judging yourself for not being at the top rung and focus on making the next rung believable. I promise, if you really want to change your thinking, life will keep giving you opportunities to practice it   Once it becomes your new automatic response then, and only then, do you move up to the next rung.

If you are wrestling with something you would like to feel better about the Thought Ladder is an amazing tool to help get you there.  Even better is a guide to walk you through it. I can definitely help, just click here to schedule a free, 30-minute discovery session.

(2-minute read time)

Recently I had the opportunity to speak to a wonderful group of professional women at the lovely Dali museum in downtown St. Petersburg.  I spoke to them about their goals and how to make achieving them inevitable.  As I prepared for that talk, it occurred to me that we often make our goals – and even just our day-to-day life – harder than necessary.

We do it unconsciously.  It’s subtle.  

Here’s how the problem starts.  No matter what we are trying to complete, whether it’s a big goal or just an errand we need to run, our brains predict what the experience will be like.

Typically, most of us will avoid doing anything our brains predict to be hard, difficult, impossible.  We choose things we believe we can accomplish. We predict success.  

In a quiet, sneaky way, we kind of believe that the goal or task should be somewhat easy.  Especially if it’s something in our wheelhouse.  

For example, I have been doing public speaking for around 15 years now.  One would think that after doing anything for that long it could now be done with confidence and poise every time.  But alas, that is not the case.      

Instead, I still feel more doubt than I feel confidence and poise.  Every. Single. Time.

Those doubts often stem from some version of the thought:  “It’s not supposed to be this hard”.  

After all, I have been doing this for so long now.  Why would the doubt still be there???  

The problem lies in believing the experience should be different, better.  The solution lies in accepting what is.  

When we think that something “shouldn’t be this hard” we are actually making it harder than it needs to be.  

When we accept something as it is with all of its challenges and obstacles we let go of resistance.  We can use that energy to overcome the challenge instead of wishing it away. 

Hard is where growth happens.  Just because you are doing something that involves your gifts and talents does not mean it will be easy.  Most worthwhile endeavors aren’t.  

What if you believed your goal, your day, is exactly as hard as it’s supposed to be?  Then what? 

Need a hand getting through something that’s harder than it’s “supposed” to be?  I can help. Just click here to schedule a free, 30-minute chat.  There are just a few spots left for October – don’t delay!